By: Simon Johnston
Hello everyone, it ‘s me, everyone ‘s favorite ‘Democrat” Jim Webb. By now you ‘ve probably heard that I have stopped pursuing the Democratic party ‘s nomination and will possibly make a run as an Independent. Why? Because leaders on both sides of the aisle have turned a blind eye to the most recent severe problem facing our great nation: that Jar Jar Binks will not be included in the new Star Wars film.
Yes, I too watched in horror as all two minutes and 35 seconds of the Star Wars trailer passed by without one single shot of everyone ‘s favorite bumbling Gungan. After the trailer ended I sat rubbing my eyes thinking what I saw must have been just a fleeting nightmare. But after logging into my Wookiepedia account (@jimjimbinks69) and scouring the message boards for two hours, to my horror, the suspicions I had were confirmed.
It seems JJ Abrams and his team are just going to ignore the importance that Jar Jar and the Gungan race have in regards to the history of the Galactic Empire and the preceding rebellion. I know there may be a shot at a cameo, but I ‘m personally not hopeful, and I for one will certainly not stand idly by while the memory of everyone ‘s favorite character is stepped on and forgotten.
Now, I will be the first to admit that, considering the average lifespan of a Gungan is 65 standard Galactic Years, Jar Jar Binks may be long dead in the timeline of these films. But that doesn ‘t mean we can ‘t have a cool shout out, and see, like, his son or something.
This is an issue my opponents on the right, and as of today, on the left refuse to acknowledge. Last night I phoned Hillary Clinton and she responded with, ‘Who cares?” The usual answer of someone who ‘s had a silver spoon in her mouth since day one. And when I asked my colleague in the Senate Bernie Sanders about the issue, I was met with the typical socialist and un-American rhetoric that seems to be the face of his campaign when he answered ‘Jim, Jar Jar sucks.”
That is why I will be introducing a new bill to the Senate floor that will require all Star Wars films from here on out to acknowledge before and after the credits the importance and scope of the contributions made by Jar Jar Binks and the Gungan race to the Star Wars canon, so that people with Jar Jar tattoos, myself included, do not have to sit and watch Star Wars while our friends ridicule us and say, ‘I told you so.”
Thank you, America, and I hope to get your vote come November.