By: Alex Scordelis
Due to sagging poll numbers, Jeb Bush announced today that he ‘s been forced to fire campaign staffers, slash his budget and reduce his payroll by 40%. But in this leaked email exchange between Bush and his campaign manager, Danny Diaz, it appears they have a new strategy to revitalize his election efforts: stealing the rumor that Bill Murray is dating indie rocker Jenny Lewis.
We ‘re in a free fall, and should probably back out of this election sooner rather than later.
But I ‘ve come up with a plan that will not only keep you afloat, but will rocket you to the top of the polls: I need you to start dating Jenny Lewis.
You ‘re talking about the child actor from Troop Beverly Hills?
OK, so earlier this week, a rumor spread that Jenny Lewis was dating Bill Murray. The internet loved it. What a couple! Turns out, it ‘s not true. Would ‘ve been amazing.
But here ‘s the thing: This Jenny Lewis/Bill Murray rumor distracted from the fact that Murray has a godawful, piece-of-shit movie coming out today. It ‘s called Rock the Kasbah. It has 8% on Rotten Tomatoes. I don ‘t think it ‘s a coincidence that you ‘re polling at 8%.
So I just need America to think you ‘re dating Jenny Lewis. Then they ‘ll overlook that you ‘re not a very good presidential candidate.Just like they ‘re overlooking the fact that Rock the Kasbah is maybe the worst movie ever.
So what you ‘re saying is that my campaign is the equivalent of a garbage movie like Rock the Kasbah? And that dating some indie rocker is going to boost my poll numbers? Danny, I haven ‘t liked her stuff since she left Rilo Kiley. And I ‘m a married man.
Doesn ‘t matter, Jeb. Jenny is in a committed relationship, too. I don ‘t need you to really date her. I just need you to post this pic of you and Jenny on your Instagram, and let the bloggers run with it:
Look, the first sentence of the review of Rock the Kasbah in today ‘s New York Times is:
‘Clich ‘d, enervating, insulting ‘ it ‘s tough to settle on a single pejorative for ‘Rock the Kasbah, ‘ though abysmal might do.”
Jeb, it sounds like they ‘re talking about your campaign. You need to date Jenny Lewis. Now.
In the past few months, you ‘ve told me to say that ‘anchor babies” isn ‘t an offensive term, and to defund women ‘s health care. And now you ‘re telling me to date the lady from The Wizard. I don ‘t care if it distracted from the fact that Bill Murray made a terrible movie. I ‘m going to pass on this one.
OK, OK. Here are some other suggestions of things you can do to boost poll numbers:
-Do karaoke with complete strangers.
-Crash engagement photos and bachelor parties.
-Bartend at South-by-Southwest.
-Go up to people in parks at night, cover their eyes and say, ‘Guess who?” Then when you reveal yourself, say, ‘No one will ever believe you.” And walk away.
I ‘ve heard that the playing ‘Guess who?” in parks one is a myth. Bill Murray never really did that. Also, you ‘re fired.