By: Mike Glazer

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Bacon Causes Cancer AKA Science Is Ruining My Life

The World Health Organization ‘s cancer agency reported that bacon, red meat, and processed meats are linked to cancer. I love meat. I eat it everyday. Fuck you Science. You ‘re ruining my life.

I wake up at 6 AM every morning, turn on the coffee, and microwave a Jimmy Dean Bacon Egg & Cheese Biscuit. Then, I rest it on my bathroom sink just outside the shower so I can take bites while I wash myself. IT ‘S A SIMPLE PLEASURE SCIENCE,BUT YOU SEEM TO ONLY CARE ABOUT YOUR PRECIOUS FACTS.

That ‘s the problem with you Science. You ‘re all facts, and facts result in fear, and fear is why I never followed my dream of being an architect. Instead, you know what I do for a living Science? I ‘m a mattress salesman. Do you know what it ‘s like to sell mattresses? To be surrounded by them everyday? Then sleep on one every night? MY WHOLE LIFE IS MATTRESSES!!! But you know what keeps me going? Meat. Meat that I buy with money that I earn so I can enjoy myself every once in a while. So cut the shit, and quit announcing news that destroys me.

You ruin everything cool. What ‘s next? Ranch dressing causes lupus. Video games cause bone spurs. I guess from now on my lunch will be a Wendy ‘s double cheeseburger with double mayo, no lettuce or tomato, HOLD THE BACON. This sucks. Who ‘s pocket are you in? Big Tofu???

If a bunch of us were drinking beers at the bar you ‘d be that dude who interrupts a great story to make some uppity correction.

Me, ‘So I go, YO back off cuz I ‘m like a bull, I see red I ‘m charging!”


Science, ‘Actually it ‘s not the red hue that causes a bull ‘s charge so much as the kinetic motion of the cape enticing the bull ‘s aggressive motion towards its ‘ target.”


So quit ruining my life, and let me live how I want to live, not the way lame facts want me to live. Now if you ‘ll excuse me I ‘m going to go take a bath with a whiskey in both hands while a plate of hotdogs floats on the water cuz I refuse to let you bring me down.


PS – To anyone reading this come by ‘Mattress Palace ‘ off the I-5, and mention ‘SCIENCE SUX” for 30% off.

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