By: Kristy Lopez-Bernal

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Whoops, I Accidentally Hooked Up With Donald Trump On Halloween

SEXY Donald Trump or REAL Donald Trump? It can be hard to tell the difference!

Sexy Donald Trump is a popular Halloween costume for women this year. But before you hook up with a Sexy Donald at a costume party, take heed from the cautionary tale below.

Dude. Kyle ‘s Halloween party last night was awesome, right? That shit was OFF THE HOOK! I can ‘t believe we got to go to a party at the Trump Tower! And did you see when Janet did a shot off Megan ‘s tits?

Yeah, you got laid? Oh, the Sexy Ketchup Bottle? Fuck yeah, bro! Me? Yeah, I hooked up. I MAD hooked up! Who did I hook up with? Did you see the chick who was dressed as Sexy Donald Trump? Hahaha. Yeah, that ‘s the one. I hooked up with Sexy Donald Trump!

I mean, I WAS pretty wasted by the time Sexy Donald Trump got to the party, but I think she was kinda hot? She was really fucking tall, like a supermodel. And she was with her CRAZY hot friend, who was Eastern European or some shit. We should have double-teamed that, bro! Yeah, I know, I know, you were with Sexy Ketchup Bottle.

Yeah, I guess it WAS weird that Sexy Donald Trump had on pants instead of short shorts like the costume has. But it was cold last night, so I don ‘t blame her!

Dude, the best part was that she was doing this great Donald Trump impression all night. She kept saying that everything was “huge!” and talking shit about Ben Carson. It was fucking hilarious.

But then, like, later on in the night, Sexy Donald Trump got really sad about Iowa for no reason. You know how girls are ‘ a roller coaster of emotions. For reals, Sexy Donald Trump was almost crying! And, like, I don ‘t know what to do when girls get upset, but I wanted to HIT THAT, so I tried to be sensitive. I was like, “Hey, Sexy Donald Trump, it ‘s gonna be OK. Does your ex-boyfriend live in Iowa or something? Fuck that guy and fuck Iowa!” She kept going on and on about “poles.” Maybe she ‘s like a stripper or something?

Nah, I didn ‘t catch her name. She kept insisting that her name was “Donald Trump.” I guess she was, like, really committed to her Halloween costume or some shit and wanted to make sure she was “in character.”

So yeah, after the party, I took Sexy Donald Trump back to my place. And Sexy Donald Trump was like, “You live in this garbage apartment building? You should see where I live! It ‘s huge! And it ‘s covered in gold!” And I was like, “Yo, girl, I don ‘t have money for jewelry and shit. I only want something low key for tonight.”

But, like, that ‘s when things started to get weird, man. When we were hooking up, I took off Sexy Donald Trump ‘s wig, and below it, there was nothing. She was BALD. But I was like, “fuck it” because we ‘d already gotten this far, and I wasn ‘t going to mess up a potential lay. Maybe she had like cancer or alopecia or some shit like that. I didn ‘t want to ruin the sexy mood by bringing some sad shit up!

Sexy Donald Trump was SO good at kissing, dude! She kept doing this duck-lip imitation of Donald Trump. It was spot on and also felt fucking great on my mouth. All chicks should learn that trick.

Did we have sex? Nah, I put my hand down her pants and felt a lot of hair. I guess Sexy Donald Trump likes to go “au naturale.” I passed out before we could do anything other than hand stuff. But the hand stuff was AWESOME.

Shit. Wait. Did I hook up with the REAL Donald Trump? Bro. No. No no no. I hooked up with the REAL Donald Trump!

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