By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s best tweets desperately need your help.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
‘ Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) October 10, 2014
How to fall down stairs Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
‘ Bad opinion haver (@daneZie) January 17, 2014
a broken mirror is right twice a day
‘ rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) October 22, 2015
Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for Adele's music.
‘ shauna (@goldengateblond) October 25, 2015
Ok just one question: who the fuck wrote this book pic.twitter.com/5CViLUYaE7
‘ Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) October 25, 2015
Elements of a Tweet:
‘ jess (@jessokfine) October 27, 2015
“White guys tweet like this.”
“Black guys tweet like dis.”
– 80s Twitter comedian.
‘ mo (@chuuew) October 29, 2015
Bill Cosby for Halloween is a good way to make black face the second most offensive part of your costume.
‘ Sam Morril (@sammorril) October 28, 2015
The porn versions of Hollywood movies usually have a lot more women in them than the original!
‘ naughtier nogan (@blaudiablogan) October 26, 2015
Damn girl are you a Prius because you're giving me no sounds or indications that you're turned on right now
‘ Dustin (@DustinAHarkins) May 23, 2014
Me: [crying so hard I can't breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
‘ moody monday (@mdob11) October 18, 2015
“What you have in front of you is a goo goo ga ga, waaaaah. Waaaaah” – contestant, “Chopped: Babies”
‘ Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) October 27, 2015
Sure being a young person is great NOW, but what about when I'm a young person in 30, 40 years
‘ Drew Janda (@drewjanda) October 29, 2015
“So, tell me just a little about you.”
“I'm applying for a job.”
‘ Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) October 29, 2015
“Oh no, red dude fell in love with a pole, call 911!” pic.twitter.com/klJNAr2Sey
‘ Jessie Dean (@NicCageMatch) October 28, 2015
PRIEST: if anyone has reasons these 2 should not be wed
ME: *raises hand*
P: other than other peoples happiness making you sad
‘ aidan (@aidanjsears) October 21, 2015
Whoever stole my bike two years ago, joke's on you: the warranty just expired
‘ Elle Oh Well (@ElleOhHell) October 29, 2015
I’d like to know more about the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man’s navy stint.
‘ Emily Toffelmire (@klickitatstreet) October 24, 2015
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
‘ Drunk Duck (@druuuck) October 29, 2015
GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
‘ Mat (@MatCro) July 26, 2015
Life is about finding people that share the same amount of not talking that you're into.
‘ Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) October 17, 2015
i saw this tire shop offers to rotate your tires and I'm thinking, pal that's called driving. it's how I got here
‘ Churlish (@Cryptoterra) October 21, 2015
My coworker who doesn't let her kids celebrate Halloween bc it's “the Devil's holiday” just tried to convert an Adobe file to Christianity.
‘ The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) October 27, 2015
I liked their older stuff when they were Mumford and Pregnant Wife
‘ Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) October 14, 2015
The Rick Springfield Paradox: If you get Jessie's Girl, she is no longer Jessie's Girl, and you have obtained nothing.
‘ Gian D'Oh (@GianDoh) November 6, 2013
If you decapitate a guy wearing a jean jacket, his body will keep trying to fuck you.
‘ Noodles (@Dawn_M_) July 30, 2015
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-“
‘ dan mentos (@DanMentos) October 27, 2015