By: Jane Becker
After Wednesday ‘s exciting third Republican debate, I, Columba Bush, wife of Jeb Bush would like to clear something up. My husband, Jeb Bush, made this comment during the debate: “You find a democrat that ‘s for cutting taxes ‘ I ‘ll give him a warm kiss.” Now I know what you ‘re thinking, “Ha-ha. That ‘s a hoot.” And, yeah you ‘re right. My husband is a hoot. But here ‘s something you ‘re probably not thinking. A warm kiss from my husband, Jeb Bush, is a pretty big deal.
When my husband, Jeb Bush, promises me a warm kiss, it is a process. First, he goes downstairs to the kitchen and measures two-and-a-third cups Horizon Organic whole milk in a Pyrex measuring cup. Now, I know what you ‘re thinking: “Columba, get to the point already!” Hang on. I assure you, all information I give you is extremely important. My husband, Jeb Bush, wouldn ‘t throw around the promise of a warm kiss for nothing.
Once he ‘s measured the milk, he pours all of it into a small saucepan. He turns the heat on low, and allows the milk to heat up to a boil at an extremely slow pace. This way, the milk stays hotter,longer. Now, I know what you ‘re thinking, “Columba, don ‘t be a filthy, disgusting pig about this.” Well, I ‘m sorry. It is filthy. I ‘m filthy and my husband, Jeb Bush, is filthy. You ‘re just going to have to look past this.
Once to a boil, my husband, Jeb Bush, funnels the boiling milk into a thermos. He screws the cap on tight,then heads back upstairs where I have been waiting for about 35 minutes, but still ready to go. Once he ‘s back in our room, he takes off his slippers. Now I know what you ‘re thinking: “Columba, this isn ‘t an article in Playgirl magazine, so, enough already. “Well, we ‘re almost at the end, and I ‘m pretty sure you asked.
He unscrews the cap, sticks his lips in, and tips the thermos back, making sure the entire surface of his lips are covered in boiling hot milk. Once that ‘s done, we only have about a three-second window before his lips go back to their normal ice-like coldness and hardness. Now I know what you ‘re thinking: “Columba, what is this, some political rant about the glaciers disappearing?” Well it ‘s not. You can use the word “ice” non-politically. Anyway, he quickly hurls his face near mine and usually lands on or around my mouth. And let me tell you, it ain ‘t cold. That kiss is a good, warm kiss.
Throughout our marriage, I have been promised six warm kisses and my husband, Jeb Bush, has delivered on all of them. And I know what you ‘re thinking: “Oh Columba, don ‘t be a braggart.” Well, I guess I ‘m sorry, because I have to leave you with the story about the time I got my first warm kiss from my husband, Jeb Bush. It was 1974, and we were a couple of randy newlyweds. I don ‘t know how my husband, Jeb Bush, did it, but when we got to the hotel, he told me to sit on the desk chair and stay. I only sat for five minutes when, before I knew it, he was barreling in with one of the almost-warmest kisses I had ever had. Little did I know, he ran his lips under the scalding hot water of the hotel bathroom faucet. The things you do on your honeymoon, huh?
So, Democratic candidates please do try to cut taxes because once this man promises, he delivers. And my husband, Jeb Bush, knows how to give ’em.