By: Mike Scollins
Hey, guys! So as y ‘all know by now, Adele ‘s got a new album called 25 coming out on November 20th. That is REALLY soon. And since I wanna enjoy this the way it ‘s meant to be enjoyed, I ‘m gonna need someone to do me a favor and date for me the next two weeks and then unceremoniously leave me.
Here ‘s the thing: Right now, I ‘m a little too happy for a new Adele album. (My mom just bought me new slacks from J. Crew and they look very good.) Happy is NOT how you should be feeling when you listen to Adele. How am I supposed to relate to her themes of pain and loss when just this morning a coworker said, ‘Mike, are those new slacks? They look great!”? Straight up, being in that sort of headspace is gonna be a waste of an album. And at the rate of one Adele record every five years, we ‘re not getting another chance till 2020. (And I expect to be even happier in 2020 cause of hoverbikes.) So what I could really use right now is for someone to smash my soul into a million fucking pieces.
So, you think you might be the girl? Well that ‘s great, but here ‘s the catch ‘ YOU GOTTA BE A PERFECT 10. Honestly, the rest doesn ‘t matter cause, like I said, this isn ‘t gonna be a longterm relationship. I ‘m not looking for anyone to grow old with so I ‘m basically just interested in physical offerings. I mean, yeah, it ‘d be great if, in addition to being a perfect 10, you also watched Fargo but time is of the essence. And this is already a decently large ask because, to be honest, I ‘m a high 5 / low 6 myself.
The goods news, Kate Upton, is that in two weeks you ‘ll be ready to leave me anyways! Seriously, I ‘m nothing special so there ‘s already a built-in shelf life to this relationship. And to make it easier, I promise to do a ton of shitty stuff like making you stand while I sit on the subway, asking if it was difficult growing up ‘with such a pretty sister,” etc, etc. By Adele ‘s album release on the 20th, you ‘ll be ready to move on.
Here ‘s the thing though: When you DO leave, I need it to be DEVASTATING. I gotta be fucking CRUSHED. Like I want you to wait till we ‘re at the top of Kingda Ka to tell me it ‘s over so that, in addition to ruining our relationship, you also ruin Six Flags. I want it to immediately start raining but only over where I ‘m walking. Then (and this is gonna be bad) I need you to insult my new J. Crew slacks. Only then will I REALLY be ready to listen to Adele ‘s album and go, ‘Yes. I get this.”
You know what actually ‘ I ‘m just gonna go ahead and show you a pic of the new slacks just so you can see what I ‘m talking about:
OK, let ‘s talk scheduling. If 25 comes out on Nov. 20th, I want you to do this on like the 18th. Is that cool? Cause day one I ‘m just gonna be numb. You know that numb feeling when you ‘re broken up with? (Of course you don ‘t! You ‘re a fucking 10! OH LOOK WE ‘RE ALREADY FIGHTING THIS IS GONNA BE EASY) ANYWAYS ‘ I don ‘t wanna listen to Adele when I ‘m numb. I need to be in Stage 2 of grief. So let ‘s tentatively pencil in our breakup for Wednesday, November 18th. (If you click that link, it should add to your Google Cal.) And TBH, Nov 18 ‘s actually perfect cause that ‘s also my birthday so the death of a relationship on what should be a day of celebration would be fucking TRAGIC. Maybe you can even plan a surprise party so I ‘m surrounded by friends and family when it happens?? (You could even leave me for my Dad cause he ‘s ‘a real man who knows how to please a woman”?? Just spitballing.)
And yeah, this is all really gonna hurt but GOD is it gonna be worth it on the 20th!! I ‘m just gonna shut myself in my apartment and stare out the window scream-singing Adele ‘s new album until my landlord calls the cops. I ‘ll cry cause I ‘get” her.And it ‘s going to be the absolute best.
UM OK, THAT ‘S ALL! IF YOU ‘RE STILL READING THIS AND INTERESTED, PLEASE HIT ME UP!!!