Leaked GOP Network Contract for Future Republican Debates
As a network getting ready to moderate a Republican Debate, I hearby agree to follow these requests as outlined by the GOP.
-I pledge to provide a list of questions at least 4 (four) months before day of debate.
-I pledge to not make questions hard, difficult, challenging, thought-provoking, laborious, tough, or firm in nature.
-I pledge to not ask questions about the candidate ‘s personal experiences, things they have said,or the policies they advocate.
-I pledge that moderators preface each question during the debate with the statement: ‘Candidate ______, you are wonderful/great/extraordinary. My question is ‘”
-I pledge that the choice of moderators be entirely up to the candidates and be allowed to include the likes of campaign staff or close family members.
-I pledge to give candidates to ability to push a button to terminate the live broadcast if questions are not of a sufficient liking.
-I pledge to refer to candidate Donald Trump as ‘President Trump,” ‘Master Trump,”or “King Trump” throughout the debate.
-I pledge to provide adequate space backstage for candidates and their staff. This includes simple living amenities such as 10-seater jacuzzis, gold trim and handles for all doors, and a female woman on hand at all time for cooking, cleaning, and sexual duties.
-I pledge to provide complimentary breakfast the morning after the debate, complete with bacon, sausage, pancakes, and eggs.
-I pledge that the eggs for aforementioned complimentary breakfast be sourced fresh from local bald eagles. If bald eagles are not indigenous to area where debate is being held, the eggs and larva of Red Tailed Hawks would also be acceptable.
-I pledge not to make direct eye contact with candidate Ben Carson.
-I pledge to not force candidates to play Spin the Bottle or encourage them to participate in any similar homosexual acts, or be prepared to feel the wrath of the Almighty God.
-I pledge there be soda guns installed inside each candidate ‘s podium that include options for Coke, Pepsi, Coke Zero, Mountain Dew, Cherry 7-Up, and Seltzer Water.
-I pledge that when a candidate runs over their allotted time, I will play either a buzz or a gong, and not a clown car honk or that trumpet sound that signifies sadness. (Womp womp.)
-I pledge a 15 piece band be on hand at all times a play a triumphant version of the Star Spangled Banner whenever candidates are making a particularly strong point.
-I pledge that a fireworks display is set off once a debate includes, and that it features a rainbow of colors and the group of white ones that pop real loud.