By: Kristy Lopez-Bernal

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First Ashley Madison. Now The KKK. I Can ‘t Win!

Ashley Madison and KKK enthusiasts who have been treated poorly by hacker collective Anonymous

The activist hacker collective Anonymous is threatening to out members of the Ku Klux Klan later this week, just weeks after it revealed users of the popular cheating website Ashley Madison. One guy who Anonymous previously leaked as an Ashley Madison member is also worried about being outed as a KKK member and wrote Anonymous a complaint letter. He can ‘t win!

Howdy Mr. Anonymous,

WELP! I ‘m real honkin ‘ mad at you right now. First, you outed me as a member of Ashley Madison and got me into a heap of hot water with my wife. My little lady wouldn ‘t microwave my Hungry-Man meals for three darn weeks, and I don ‘t know how to use that dang space-age machine cuz that ‘s lady business! But now, you ‘re also goin ‘ to tell everyone I ‘m a member of the Ku Klux Klan?! Gee, thanks for nothin ‘!

Mr. Anonymous, why do you hate me so darn much??? What ‘s a white man like me need to do to catch a flippin ‘ break these days???? You have some real gall to punish a nice, all-American pal like me, who ‘s simply tryin ‘ to live his best life, cheat on his wife without no one findin ‘ out, and hate anyone who ain ‘t white. You ‘re darn tootin ‘ right I ‘m hoppin ‘ angry at you!

I did a lot of work to keep that wife of mine around, cuz after Ashley Madison, she wanted to skedaddle. And now I ‘m also gonna have to explain to her that I ‘m a so-called ‘racist?” Believe it or not, she don ‘t believe in racism! Ain ‘t that crazy? Says it ‘s ‘out of fashion” or ‘antiquated” or somethin ‘. So I keep my racism to myself so she ‘ll stay married to me! Without my wife, this delicious microwaved goodness of a Hungry-Man meatloaf and mashed taters ain ‘t gonna cook itself in a microwave! (And since I know you ‘re wonderin ‘: yep, my KKK side-gal and I met on Ashley Madison ‘ it ‘s hard to meet Klanswomen at meetings no thanks to the hoods.)

Now, some people say, ‘Hey, Scott, why not belong to less shitty organizations?” But Ashley Madison and the KKK capture my soul, my insides. It makes me feel special, and I don ‘t have a lot to feel special about anymore. I like bein ‘ part of a secret organization. Why can ‘t a guy keep a secret anymore? Even if that secret is bein ‘ a cheater and also a racist?

So what are you gonna do next, Mr. Anonymous? Discover my deep and innocent love of torturin ‘ small, defenseless varmints and pretend like it ‘s a bad thing? And then send out a direct mailin ‘ via the U.S. Postal Service to everyone in America with my smilin ‘ picture holdin ‘ a squirrel burnt to a crisp? That ‘d be a no-good thing to do. (Side note: Have you ever combed a squirrel ‘s tail with a pointy stick and then set it on fire just for shits and giggles? It ‘s the best!)

Why don ‘t you pick on someone your own size who deserves your hatred. Here ‘s a list of people I reckon you can concentrate your efforts on instead:

  • them child molesters ‘ hey, everyone can agree on some things
  • Barack Hussein Obama supporters
  • MOST DEFINITELY NOT Hungry-Man meals fan club presidents
  • that ‘s all I could come up with, but y ‘all owe me some $$ for this helpful list here

Do you know what it ‘s like to be harassed like this? To suffer hatred? To feel emotionally tarred and feathered? I do. It stinks and no one should have to suffer these indignities. So stop ruinin ‘ everyone ‘s lives, Mr. Anonymous. Because it ‘s doggone unfair to be discriminated against over and over in this way.

Scott Q. Smithson-Jackwrigh ‘ Wait a minute. I ‘m no dummy. I ‘m not givin ‘ no one my full name!

P.S. I was wonderin ‘: Why do you go by only one name, Mr. Anonymous? Are you tryin ‘ to be cool like Madonna or Enya or somethin ‘? Just curious!

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