By: Simon Johnston
Hey everyone, it ‘s me, your friendly neighborhood RadioShack owner. Recently there have been a lot of stores who have been saying thatthey ‘re goingto close on Black Friday, which is a real bummer. How else are you supposedto take advantage of all those deals and steals that Black Friday is all aboutif all the stores are closed? I personally think that closing on Black Fridayis about as un-American as not soldering your own wires with a RadioShack brandsoldering iron, so that ‘s why I ‘ve decided to stay open, so that all mycustomers can trample each other to death in a violent Black Friday mob frenzyat my RadioShack.
Trust me when I tell you, you ‘re not going to find anybetter deals to butcher each other over than the ones at my RadioShack. I ‘mpractically giving this stuff away! I mean I basically have to, considering Ihaven ‘t sold a single thing in the past eight months. Looking back I probablyshould ‘ve just let this RadioShack franchise die, and not have gambled my son ‘scollege savings on keeping it afloat, which forced my family to leave me. Buton the bright side that ‘s three less mouths to feed, which means more money formy RadioShack. I guess every cloud has a silver lining!
The best part about doing your Black Friday shopping at myRadioShack is not only the cheap gifts, but you won ‘t have to worry about anyof those dumb Black Friday rules like they have at the mall, or Walmart. Hereat RadioShack there are no rules. You guys can feel free to stomp, rip andcleave your way to those sweet, sweet deals. Since my therapist told me that Ineed some sort of outlet, I ‘ve decided that watching human beings desperate toprove their worth through the acquisition of material goods, pound each otherinto the floor of my RadioShack will act as a cathartic moment for me, andallow me to vent some of my pent up aggression vicariously through you savages!
Yep, nothing ‘s better than watching a bunch of housewivesbecome reduced to primordial beasts over a 50% off digital camera. Not really the tech type? Don ‘t worry, because there ‘s no better placeto settle the score than the blood-soaked floor of my RadioShack. Neighbor ‘s tree blocking your view? Meet himat the RadioShack, and tear his throat out, and while you ‘re at it buy yourselfa new camera drone, only $59.99! The best part about all of this holidayviolence? I ‘ll get to watch from the comfort of my own home, because I live inthis RadioShack now!
Yes sir, everyone can come on down to my RadioShack to gettheir presents, and also kick some stranger ‘s teeth out. We have something forthe whole family. Need a gift for the nieces and nephews? Forget boring oldvideo games. Instead buy them a fun, exciting WaterClock Kit while gouging out some guy ‘s eyes! Need to pick the wife upsomething romantic? Nothing says ‘I love you” more than a RadioShackBrand Mobile Device Suction Cup and Vent Mount covered in the thick, coagulatedblood of a thousand greedy shoppers!
So forget all those stores that are too lame to stay open.If you ‘re looking to seal a tasty deal, with come on down to RadioShack. I promise you won ‘t be disappointed.