By: Ben Wietmarschen
This past week, the New York State Attorney General demanded FanDuel shut down its operations in New York in an attempt to bar the daily fantasy sports (not) gambling site from allowing New Yorkers their rights as Americans to spend their hard earned dollars the way they choose.
We at #SaveFanDuel HQ know you have a lot of options when it comes to supporting social activism events and causes, but we invite you to make a difference on an issue that affects literally every American who is, or knows, a person who likes to online (not) gamble on football players in the state of New York. Plus, other social activism is all kind of theoretical anyway, while this actually affects the way you can spend your Sundays. Have you seen the commercials? Those guys are very happy with their Sundays! Don ‘t you wanna be happy with your Sundays?
Please join us for the rally this Saturday (so that we can gamble on Sunday ‘s games. Crap, I mean [not] gamble! Basically from now on assume when I say gamble I mean not gamble, cool?):
We, the #SaveFanDuel community, believe that every man (and non-man too, of course, but really, let ‘s be honest, we all know what KIND of people are in the commercials. We don ‘t need to say it, right? OK fine: White men in their 30 ‘s and 40 ‘s who don ‘t like outdoor activities.) has the right to leverage all of the fantasy football knowledge that they have EARNED through legitimate research, to win money off of losers and suckers who don ‘t know shit about dick. Plus, every time we see one of those commercials we can ‘t help ourselves from getting a taste and we ‘ll be damned if some dork Attorney General is gonna tell us we can ‘t.
After all, the only people we can think of that ever actually have a problem with this kind of online activity is mothers and wives. And even they sometimes are cool with it as long as we don ‘t bet too much. So the government should just get out of our business and leave us alone!
Below is an itinerary and event guide for Saturday ‘s #SaveFanDuel rally.
9am-Noon: Supporters arrive at the steps of City Hall, holding signs and chanting.
Sign options (feel free to get creative!):
‘Fix REALITY before you criminalize FANTASY”
‘You can arrest an individual, but you can ‘t arrest a way of life [with picture of man at a computer sitting on a pile of money and smiling because he earned it]”
‘My family would be on food stamps if it weren ‘t for Carson Palmer ‘s bounceback season! [picture of Carson Palmer with $$ in his eyes]”
‘Hey hey, ho ho, this FanDuel ban has got to go!”
then transition into:
‘Hey hey, choo choo, us FanDuel freaks are human too!”.
then transition into
‘Hey hey, you ‘re terrible, FanDuel makes our Sundays bearable!”
Noon: All of the current Fan Duel commercials will be projected onto the side of City Hall. The commercials are our beacon and our rallying cry and after the Attorney General sees them a million times, he might get as hooked as we are.
Next, the cast of this commercial will be talking about how FanDuel changed their lives by casting them in the commercial and giving them a reason to take a shower:
Rich Eisen will follow by making some very funny, dry, sarcastic quips about how he knows a lot about fantasy football. We all love Rich Eisen!
3pm (The BIG Finale):
We all log onto FanDuel and draft a single day fantasy team for Sunday ‘s game TOGETHER, in defiance of the New York Attorney General ‘s demand, while chanting ‘Silence FanDuel, silence freedom!” over and over again. Afterward we will all go home so that we have plenty of time to go over our lineups constantly for the next 18 hours.
They cannot silence us if we band together and fight for this very worthy cause!