By: Sam Weiner

| | |

A Dish-By-Dish Guide To Ruining Thanksgiving

Mashed Potatoes: ‘You know what else has been mashed? Native Americans in this country!”

Gravy: ‘You know what ‘s not ‘all gravy? ‘ The treatment of Native Americans in this country!”

Turkey: ‘You know what the real turkey is? This country ‘s current policies toward Native Americans!”

Rice: ‘Why are we eating rice at Thanksgiving? Rice is not a traditional Thanksgiving food! All the Native Americans we killed would be rolling over in their graves if the circumstances of their deaths hadn ‘t made proper burials inconvenient!”

Stuffing: ‘You know what Native Americans have been stuffed with? Lies, probably!”

Sausage Links: ‘You know what ‘links ‘ our country broke? Wait, who the hell brought sausage to dinner? Was it Rebecca? Was it Dad ‘s new ‘lady friend, ‘ Rebecca? Was she also the one who brought rice? I hate you, Rebecca!”

Corn: ‘You know what ‘s corny? Ignoring all the Native Americans we killed, Rebecca!”

Green Bean Casserole: ‘Why aren ‘t we eating green bean casserole? Because Mom used to make it? I should ‘ve gone to Mom ‘s Thanksgiving!”

Rebecca ‘s Famous Cranberry Sauce: ‘Do you think I ‘m fucking stupid, Rebecca? This is store-bought cranberry sauce! Why are you ruining my family like how this country ruined the Native Americans?”

Dinner Rolls: ‘Fuck you, Rebecca!”

Pecan Pie: ‘I ‘d like to apologize to Rebecca, unlike how our country has not apologized to Native Americans. She is a member of our family now, and she should be treated as such, unlike how this country treats Native Americans.”

Traditional Native American Sweet Corn At Mom ‘s House: ‘You know what else is sweet? This side of the family! I should have come here first, like how the Native Americans ‘ wait, who brought the maize? Mom ‘s new ‘companion, ‘ Laura? Laura? Laura, caring about Native American shit is my thing! I hate my life! Just like how this country hates Native Americans!”

Similar Posts