By: Kady Ruth Ashcraft

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Thanksgiving Riddle

Aack! It ‘s Thanksgiving and the main table is all sorted and set but you have to figure out where all the loose-end guests have to sit. There aren ‘t kids in the family any longer but your mother whispered as you were trying to arrange everyone, ‘Just call it the kids ‘ table; these people are all the infantile.” Yikes!

1) What order are you going to seat these bozos in?
2) Which one guest is thankful to just be included?

These are both real things you can figure out from the riddle below and real things your mom is stressed out about because this time of year she is really just on pins and needles trying to make sure everyone has a good time. Do you know just how much work she puts into the holidays? A lot of work. You should be grateful. And you ‘re not. But this isn ‘t the time to get into that.

1) There are five dishes on the table.
2) Each dish was brought by a different person.
3) These five stragglers are wearing different outfits, are thankful for different things, and find one thing to complain about the entire dinner.
4) No people brought the same dish, wore the same outfit, are thankful for the same thing, or have the same complaint.

  • Lila, your Cousin Jerome ‘s new girlfriend of one week, brought the bag of marshmallows.
  • Mariah, your sister back from study abroad, is thankful for this one very cool cafe she found early on in her trip that was very underground and sexy.
  • Your shitty cousin Jerome is pissed there ‘s no good music playing during the dinner.
  • The person who brought a half -drunk liter of ginger ale must sit to the left of the person who brought SpaghettiO casserole.
  • The person who brought the half-drunk liter of ginger ale is also peeved more single people aren ‘t at the dinner.
  • The person wearing a crop top, totally inappropriate by the way, is thankful for all their haters who motivate them.
  • The person who brought SpaghettiO casserole is wearing a Christmas sweater already.
  • The person who must sit in the middle is ticked off that no one at the table is ‘being real.”
  • Auntie Muriel must sit at the end of the table because she has a bad knee.
  • The person wearing a P.O.D. shirt will sit next to the person who is thankful someone as hunky as Donald Trump is running for president.
  • The person who is thankful for Fallout 4 will sit next to the person who is wearing a Christmas sweater, even though, again, it ‘s only Thanksgiving goddammit. Calm down.
  • The dinner guest wearing a pashmina wants everyone to know that Thanksgiving is actually oppressive.
  • Doug, your dad ‘s single coworker, is wearing his nicest ascot, though, he isn ‘t sure that ‘s what ladies like these days.
  • Auntie Muriel will be seated next to the person who brought canned corn.
  • The fucker wearing a P.O.D. shirt will sit next to the person who keeps asking if all the food is going to be this spicy.


Seat 1
? Auntie Muriel
? SpaghettiO Casserole
? ‘Too Spicy!”
? Christmas Sweater
? Donald Trump running for President!

Seat 2
? Cousin Jerome
? Corn in a Can
? ‘Lame-ass music”
? P.O.D. Shirt
? Fallout

Seat 3
? Lila, cousin Jerome ‘s tacky girlfriend
? Bag of Marshmallows
? ‘No one at this party is being real”
? Crop top
? ‘All my haters”

Seat 4
? Doug, Dad ‘s recently divorced coworker
? A half-drunk liter of ginger ale
? ‘Thankful to just be included”
? Ascot
? E-Harmony

Seat 5
? Mariah, your sister back from study abroad
? Hummus
? ‘Thanksgiving is oppressive”
? Pashmina
? Transnationalism

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