By: Jason Flowers
It ‘s our sincere belief that this week ‘s best tweets would have been RT ‘d in any era.
[18th Century Sext]
My dearest Caroline, please write by return of post to estimate what you may be wearing several days from now.
‘ Erren Michaels (@ErrenMichaels) November 22, 2015
Customs Official: Do you have anything to declare?
Southern Belle: No
‘ pat tobin (@tastefactory) October 1, 2015
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
‘ jomny sun (@jonnysun) November 24, 2015
Someone needs to stop that kid pic.twitter.com/29EidW5ku2
‘ Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) October 22, 2015
“Should I knock him out?”
“Ask your mother.”
(LL Cool J and his dad)
‘ Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) November 24, 2015
You think cocaine is cool? Well here's something that'll change your mind!
*cranks the Eagles greatest hits*
*my son starts crying*
‘ Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) November 24, 2015
Imagine being in Jethro Tull & the other guys say we aren’t gonna do flute in this one and you just have to sit there with your stupid flute
‘ ryan (crap( (@Karate_Horse) May 18, 2015
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don't lick my lips again.
‘ Paul (@FrenulumBreve) August 19, 2015
I love having sex in my childhood bedroom! It's so nice that the family who lives there now lets us in.
‘ kristen mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) November 24, 2015
I ‘ve always found masturbation to be a wonderful sleep aid. I ‘ve also found that the flight attendants on United Airlines would disagree.
‘ Jen Spyra (@jenspyra) November 24, 2015
Dreamed I escaped capture through an AC duct. Not really possible if you know your HVAC but, again, I was in a dream state
‘ Craig (@craigrachel) November 23, 2015
“You should think of this as a pilot. Let's see if it goes to series.” -how I ruined a lot of first dates
‘ Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) November 24, 2015
18: beer tastes bad and I don't like it.
25: I only drink Fisherman's Breath Whale Urine IPA.
‘ Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) November 22, 2015
Always the Martina McBridesmaid, never the Martina McBride.
‘ Sabrina (@SabrinaFon) May 30, 2015
Bartender: What can I get ya?
“A Johnny Manziel please”
*Bartender pours a once-in-a-lifetime shot down the drain*
That'll be $15
‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) November 25, 2015
“SPOILER ALERT”- my obituary
‘ Megan Kelly Dunn (@megankcomedy) November 21, 2015
BUILD YOUR OWN JOKE KIT
‘ Marty Lawrence (@TeaAndCopy) November 24, 2015
[baseball gets hit out of bounds and hits a bird]
ump: THAT'S A
ump: FOWL BALL
bird: they can't even tell that-
ump: WITH A “W”
‘ dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) May 1, 2015
Snake Court must be an absolute mess. every snake straight up lying to the judge bc swearing on the bible is physically impossible for them
‘ Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) November 24, 2015
Built a TV news desk in the living room. Area wife very upset.
‘ blake (@Leemanish) August 27, 2013
E. Coli: but I wont know anyone
EC's mom: you'll make friends
Teacher doing roll call: Broc Coli?
EC: *softly* holy shit
‘ Ally Gator (@notacroc) November 24, 2015
[watching hunger games with date]
me: *sees on-screen kiss* haha more like the THIRST games
date: yes you've said that nine times
‘ dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 24, 2015
[Doctor pulls quarter out from behind kids ear] cool huh? Ive been taking magic lessons. anyway, your father didnt survive the surgery.
‘ rob elliott (@rockymomax) October 20, 2015
Left a waiter a huge tip but the check didn ‘t go viral. So I called my bank & claimed credit card fraud. They refunded me the money in full.
‘ Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) November 24, 2015
Hey girl do you like bad boys cuz.. *struggles to chug a gallon of very expired milk* I'm literally the worst
‘ ibid (@ibid78) November 24, 2015
don't think of it as a break up, think of it as a remix. oh i almost forgot your dog got remixed by a car yesterday
‘ elon mustard (@nice_mustard) November 29, 2012
say what you want about those Anonymous hackers but they have had a lot of good sayings over the years
‘ Sandy Honig (@sandyhonig) November 24, 2015
Kellyanne and Donald share a tender moment over tender white meat, musing on their contributions to American democracy.
Renowned banjo player Noam Pikelny’s new Compass Records album Beat the Devil and Carry A Rail narrowly escapes creative failure with help from his Bluegrass community friends: Steve Martin, Ed Helms, Earl Scruggs, B ‘la Fleck, Chris Thile, Gillian Welch, and Dave Rawlings. noampikelny.com