27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #10

[18th Century Sext]
My dearest Caroline, please write by return of post to estimate what you may be wearing several days from now.
Yours etc

‘ Erren Michaels (@ErrenMichaels) November 22, 2015

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[at airport]
Customs Official: Do you have anything to declare?
Southern Belle: No

‘ pat tobin (@tastefactory) October 1, 2015

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grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

‘ jomny sun (@jonnysun) November 24, 2015

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Someone needs to stop that kid pic.twitter.com/29EidW5ku2

‘ Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) October 22, 2015

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“Should I knock him out?”

“Ask your mother.”

(LL Cool J and his dad)

‘ Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) November 24, 2015

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You think cocaine is cool? Well here's something that'll change your mind!
*cranks the Eagles greatest hits*
*my son starts crying*

‘ Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) November 24, 2015

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Imagine being in Jethro Tull & the other guys say we aren’t gonna do flute in this one and you just have to sit there with your stupid flute

‘ ryan (crap( (@Karate_Horse) May 18, 2015

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ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don't lick my lips again.

‘ Paul (@FrenulumBreve) August 19, 2015

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I love having sex in my childhood bedroom! It's so nice that the family who lives there now lets us in.

‘ kristen mortensen (@kris10mor10sen) November 24, 2015

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I ‘ve always found masturbation to be a wonderful sleep aid. I ‘ve also found that the flight attendants on United Airlines would disagree.

‘ Jen Spyra (@jenspyra) November 24, 2015

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Dreamed I escaped capture through an AC duct. Not really possible if you know your HVAC but, again, I was in a dream state

‘ Craig (@craigrachel) November 23, 2015

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“You should think of this as a pilot. Let's see if it goes to series.” -how I ruined a lot of first dates

‘ Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) November 24, 2015

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18: beer tastes bad and I don't like it.

25: I only drink Fisherman's Breath Whale Urine IPA.

‘ Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) November 22, 2015

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Always the Martina McBridesmaid, never the Martina McBride.

‘ Sabrina (@SabrinaFon) May 30, 2015

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Bartender: What can I get ya?

“A Johnny Manziel please”

*Bartender pours a once-in-a-lifetime shot down the drain*

That'll be $15

‘ Online Participant (@SortaBad) November 25, 2015

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“SPOILER ALERT”- my obituary

‘ Megan Kelly Dunn (@megankcomedy) November 21, 2015

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BUILD YOUR OWN JOKE KIT

SET-UP PARTS:
My
girlfriend
wife
mistress
owns a
Zoo
Inn
is a
goalie

PUNCHLINE PARTS:
She's
a
keeper

ONLY ‘11.99

‘ Marty Lawrence (@TeaAndCopy) November 24, 2015

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[baseball gets hit out of bounds and hits a bird]
ump: THAT'S A
bird: no
ump: FOWL BALL
bird: they can't even tell that-
ump: WITH A “W”

‘ dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) May 1, 2015

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Snake Court must be an absolute mess. every snake straight up lying to the judge bc swearing on the bible is physically impossible for them

‘ Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) November 24, 2015

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Built a TV news desk in the living room. Area wife very upset.

‘ blake (@Leemanish) August 27, 2013

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E. Coli: but I wont know anyone
EC's mom: you'll make friends
*in class*
Teacher doing roll call: Broc Coli?
BC: here
EC: *softly* holy shit

‘ Ally Gator (@notacroc) November 24, 2015

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[watching hunger games with date]
me: *sees on-screen kiss* haha more like the THIRST games
date: yes you've said that nine times

‘ dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 24, 2015

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[Doctor pulls quarter out from behind kids ear] cool huh? Ive been taking magic lessons. anyway, your father didnt survive the surgery.

‘ rob elliott (@rockymomax) October 20, 2015

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Left a waiter a huge tip but the check didn ‘t go viral. So I called my bank & claimed credit card fraud. They refunded me the money in full.

‘ Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) November 24, 2015

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Hey girl do you like bad boys cuz.. *struggles to chug a gallon of very expired milk* I'm literally the worst

‘ ibid (@ibid78) November 24, 2015

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don't think of it as a break up, think of it as a remix. oh i almost forgot your dog got remixed by a car yesterday

‘ elon mustard (@nice_mustard) November 29, 2012

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say what you want about those Anonymous hackers but they have had a lot of good sayings over the years

‘ Sandy Honig (@sandyhonig) November 24, 2015