By: Nate Dern

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We’ll Pay Donald Trump $5,000,001 To Participate In Our “Trumps-Only” Debate

At a speech in Georgia earlier this week, GOP presidential frontrunner Donald Trump proposed the idea of charging CNN $5 million in order for him to appear at their next debate.

‘How about we do this with CNN? I won ‘t do the debate unless they pay me $5 million and the money goes to Wounded Warriors or vets.”

‘ Donald Trump, 11/30/2015

This isn ‘t the first time that Trump has proposed a sum of $5 million in order to make a point. In 2012, he made a public offer to President Obama to pay $5 million to the charity of his choice if he would share his longform birth certificate. Evidently if you are as out of touch with reality as Trump is, $5 million is your go-to sum of money, the way that normal humans might bet, say, $5 when they ‘re feeling confident about something.
Since $5 million is the go-to number for Trump to make things happen, we have an offer for him:

Donald Trump, we will donate $5,000,001 to charity if you appear in our Trumps-only debate

The terms of this proposal:

  • You, Donald Trump, will appear on stage for a live, filmed debate between yourself and five Donald Trump impersonators (idea for ‘Trumps-only” debate originally proposed by FOD staff writer Matt Klinman)
  • You will each be given approximately an equal amount of time to speak
  • The debate will be uncensored; you will not be able to veto any participants or any topics for discussion
  • The debate will last at least 60 minutes but not more than 120 minutes
  • The debate will be moderated by the person(s) of our choosing
  • If you agree to the above terms, we will donate $5,000,001 to charities helping veterans, split evenly between the Wounded Warriors Project (helps vets in need of medical and psychological treatment), Homes For Our Troops (which provides housing for veterans to alleviate the issue of veteran homelessness), Thanks USA (which provides needs-based education scholarships to veterans returning from combat), the USO (which provides care packages and recreational activities for in-service military personnel and their families), and Puppies Behind Bars (which places service dogs with veterans returning from combat to mitigate the effects of PTSD).

If you don ‘t agree to the above terms, we can only infer that it means one of two things:

  • 1) You are a coward
  • 2) You don ‘t actually care about veterans but just bring them up on occasion because it is politically advantageous for you to do this

We are making an even better offer than the one you made to Obama in 2012 and the one that you ‘re suggesting CNN make to you just this week. You can talk the talk of $5 million wagers, but can you walk the $5 million wager walk?

Our people are standing by to get your response.

Lastly, do we actually have that much in liquid cash? Have I gotten this proposal approved by anyone who would remotely be capable of making this official? It doesn ‘t matter. I ‘m not in accounting. But Dom from ad sales seems like he ‘s working real hard, so I feel confident that if you agree to do this, Mr. Trump, we can find a way to make it happen.

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