By: Dan Abramson
An Angel Updates God On The Violence In The World
God: Here to tell me about Earth? I trust things are going swimmingly.
Angel: Actually, no.
God: Ah, they must need some rain. If they ‘re praying for that, go ahead. Green lit.
Angel: Things can ‘t just be solved with rain anymore. A lot ‘s changed since you retired. There ‘s been ongoing war, atrocity after atrocity. Things have been getting especially dicey recently. Massacres. Death. It ‘s becoming routine. So much has changed since you ‘ve been out of office.
God: I doubt that very much. Not with the replacement that I lined up.
Angel: Wait, you don ‘t know?
God: What, that my son came in and it ‘s been smooth sailing ever since?
Angel: Sir, your son died.
God: Okay, but like after a thousand years or something, right? He got some QT on Earth I assume.
God: Oh that ‘s not bad. He made it 33 thousand years.
Angel: 33 years.
Angel: I thought you knew.
God: How would I have known?
Angel: People reach out to you all the time.
God: I only listen to the good stuff. It ‘s why I watch the Grammys. Everyone gets up there and thanks me. “First and foremost I ‘d like to thank God.” It ‘s great. Real ego boost.
Angel: So in the years since your retirement the only contact you ‘ve had with humans is the Grammy awards?
God: Of course not.
God: I LOVE the ESPY Awards.
Angel: PEOPLE ARE DYING CONSTANTLY AND THEY THINK YOU CAN HELP.
God: Like where?
God: Which one was that?
Angel: The one with the massacres.
God: Ah, the Middle East.
America: America is not in the Middle East.
Angel: All the politicians are praying for you to help.
God: Don ‘t they have laws and policies they can install to curb violent trends?
God: Well, then they should just change those.
Angel: Perhaps you could tell them?
God: Direct line? Moses-style?
Angel: Yeah, we ‘ve got some options for folks trying to reach you. Carson, Huckabee, Cruz ‘
God: I dunno, a direct line to Ted Cruz is not a good look for me.