Gwyneth Paltrow’s Store Wasn’t Robbed, The Inventory Was “Consciously Eliminated”

Ho Ho Oh No. Gwyneth Paltrow ‘s Goop Pop-Up Holiday Shop was robbed of $173,465 worth of jewelry. So far no arrests have been made in the case, but it ‘s only fair that we establish the terms we ‘ll be using to discuss this ‘robbery.”

Let ‘s first toss the word ‘robbery”out, this wasn ‘t normal theft. In this scenario we ‘ll use “conscious inventory elimination.” This phrase emphasizes that the thieves, sorry the ‘content depleters”, didn ‘t simply rob the store on a whim, but planned their attack ahead of time, going straight for the jewelry, excuse me, the ‘ephemeral stone chains.”

And while Paltrow is likely upset about this, she can ‘t really complain because she ‘s the mastermind behind uncoupling, be it consciously, unconsciously, between two people, or between a store and $173,465 of it ‘s merchandise. And sorry Gwynnie, anyway you look at it, any phrase you cloak it in, that ‘s life, honey.