By: Kevin McCallister
Hello-ah-loho there! You might know about me from when I was deserted by my family over Christmas break 25 years ago and I abused two low-level burglars with no repercussions for my actions. Then, with no explanation, almost the exact same events happened to a tee a year later but in a different location. As a result of these events, today I am insane.
That ‘s right! These events did indeed warp my sense of reality, stunting my understanding of cause and effect, and completely divorcing any and all empathy I could possibly feel for other people. My life is a constant struggle to hold on to the smallest understanding of what is real. I guess growing up changes everybody!
Don ‘t get me wrong: I enjoy my life. To pass the time, I make models of homes with death traps and I scream at faucets. I occasionally push stolen lawnmowers two at a time through nightclubs and into gulleys. I love spending my mornings with my urine experiments, then practicing a little yoga in an upside down shopping cart, followed by a trip uptown to spit on the ol ‘ pool supply store. This is my life now!
I know, it all sounds unbelievable. That ‘s OK, no one believed me when I was a kid and I told them I had a Christmas party with mannequins and a life-sized Michael Jordan cutout. Or that I recorded the sounds of my uncle showering and that I ‘ve twice set an Italian man on fire.
But hey, I don ‘t need people to tell me what is real and what isn ‘t. For one thing, people are just squishy computers, so they ‘re not qualified to assess my life. I know for a fact that the average adult can sustain punishing violence and that moments of your life can repeat themselves; therefore, there are no physical or moral laws guiding the universe.
Oh and did I mention that everything smells like wicker to me now? I am unsound!
So now, let ‘s reminisce about the alone days!
“AAAAAHHHHHHH!” Remember that? I used to say that! Now I only say that in my sleep, according to the specialists in night terrors who ‘ve observed my slumber.
Or hey, how about, “Keep the change, ya filthy animal!” I hear that satanic voice often in my subconscious and have no idea of its origin. But I do whatever it says! That ‘s why in my backyard shed I keep thousands of stacks of coins that I ‘ve collected. What can I say: When the Devil commands you to collect money for him, you have to listen!
Or remember, “I made my family disappear!” Convinced that I evaporated my family, I am now obsessed with making matter spontaneously vanish. I clearly don ‘t understand how the world works!
“AAAAAHHHHHHH!” Remember I said I only say that in my sleep now? I lied! I am untrustworthy. I in fact say this famous catchphrase at faucets of all kinds.
Well, Christmas is near and I am setting up another mannequin party. Please come to it! There will be prancing, music, and plenty of used baptism water to drink. Oh, and there will be mannequins. I have so many mannequins! That is bizarre.
Peter Steering Wheel
(That is my new name! I am insane!)