By: Ben Wietmarschen
Here ‘s the hot gossip on how your favorite Game of Thrones characters will be spending their Christmas.
Jon Snow ‘ Alone (and dead)
He ‘s got no family and he just got stabbed a bunch by his closest allies ‘ talk about a Charlie Brown Christmas (if everyone stabbed Charlie at the end instead of helping his pathetic little tree)! Whether he ‘s actually dead or not, we ‘ve got little to no chance of seeing a steamy, snow-tickled Christmas bang between him and the Wilding redhead, Ygritte. Without that incentive, he ‘ll bleed out by Christmas Eve. Thankfully, his death won ‘t bum everyone out for the Night ‘s Watch gift exchange. This year it ‘s white elephant!
Tyrion Lannister ‘ Alone (and horny)
Not surprisingly, Tyrion usually goes ALL OUT for Christmas: a big spiced ham, fire-roasted dates, and of course, plenty of the most delicious amber wine to share with the most delicious city courtesans! But he ‘s a stranger in a strange land now, and who ‘s he gonna go busting up with on a Christmas Eve pussy hunt in MEEREEN? Fucking Grey Worm? Nope. We won ‘t be seeing any naked butts or boobs at Tyrion ‘s Christmas as he eats cold chestnuts and whisper sings “It ‘s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas” to himself on the steps of Dany ‘s big empty throne room.
Daenerys Targaryen ‘ Alone (and scared)
Dame Dany Dragon herself is in the middle of an extra sour pickle, Christmas-wise. Afraid for her life, she ‘ll spend Christmas Eve at a long table with a number of swarthy bearded Dothraki strangers, mouths glazed by oily roasted goose and spiced rum. It ‘s never fun to spend the holidays away from home, let alone with a bunch of rude horse lords, so ummm, yeah, NOW would be a good time for her dragon to start behavin ‘.
Sansa Stark ‘ Alone (and disgusted by Reek ‘s nasty ass)
Sansa is just so fucking over it this Christmas, and can you blame her? Eyes will roll as she ‘s forced to share Christmas pigeon, the only thing they could find as they try to escape disgusting Winterfell, with disgusting Reek. Her night will end by looking up into the falling snow and singing an especially mournful version of “Silent Night” underneath a montage of memories of her father, Eddard, handing out gifts to the whole Stark clan on Christmas mornings past.
Grey Worm ‘ Alone (and maybe he likes it that way? Tough to tell with this guy.)
Poor guy won ‘t ever just let his hair down and have a good time. Not even during the holidays! Grey Worm insists Christmas is “just another day in the shit sandwich that is my life” and will spend it sitting in the filthiest corner of the room eating his favorite meal: a bowl of “mushed and grey.”
Bran Stark ‘ Alone (inside an animal ‘s mind)
He will spend the night before Christmas tossing and turning on a pile of wet hay instead of a bed, and instead of visions of sugarplums dancing in his head, Bran is inside the mind of Rudolph as he flies through the crisp December air. Black night envelops him. Pierced only by his blinking red nose-beam, slicing bloody cuts across the darkness in fits and spurts as Rudolph/Bran guides Santa ‘s sleigh through the treacherous northern sky, darting through the driving snow, away from fire-breathing dragons, and eventually up and over the North Wall itself. Landing safely on the top of Castle Black, knowing only that he ‘s just begun Santa ‘s Christmas journey of delivering tiny sacks of nuts and sweet plums to the children of Westeros. But there ‘s still so far to go.
Brienne of Tarth ‘ Alone (and happy)
It really sucks to have to work during Christmas, but that ‘s the life of a knight! Brienne has found a way to enjoy her on-the-clock holiday, though. Christmastime lends itself to childlike whimsy and fantasy indulgence, both of which are fulfilled tenfold for Brienne by wreaking violent revenge on Stannis ‘ long-dead corpse. After mercilessly slashing at the body all Yuletide morn, she finally relinquishes, out of breath but exhilarated, and digs into a piping-hot meat pie that Podrick has prepared and actually has the most enjoyable Christmas in all of Westeros. Except for Podrick.
Podrick Payne ‘ Getting his dick wet
Podrick ‘s got a huge dick and is good at sex so he ‘ll be spending his Christmas “warming his chestnuts” by the fire and banging.