27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #12

absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh

‘ skateboarding ‘s ANthony Hawk (@hippieswordfish) December 10, 2015

I bet the worst part of being a mall Santa is trying to find a pair of boots to comfortably accommodate the ankle monitor.

‘ Erica (@SCbchbum) December 11, 2015

No, I ‘m not fluent in sarcasm, I only took it for a couple of years in high school and all I really remember is this sentence.

‘ maura quint (@behindyourback) June 3, 2014

“At least you're going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

‘ Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) December 9, 2015

It's like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:

‘ Brandon (@UNDEADTRESOR) December 6, 2015

My mom would wake up early just to cut the crust off my sandwiches for lunch. She knew the crust was my favorite part. She hated me so much.

‘ Shane (@Shanehasabeard) January 20, 2014

when u deliver a sick burn and ur friend got ur back pic.twitter.com/AGJ99qH01l

‘ Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) December 5, 2015

Me: this is shit, I'm changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

‘ David Hughes (@david8hughes) December 7, 2015

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn't know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

‘ JP Lovecraft (@online_shawn) July 27, 2013

Photoshopped family photos in movies aren't getting any better.

‘ Mark Leggett (@markleggett) December 11, 2015

B: “Oh don't worry officer, i'm a chef, that's a kitchen knife.”
O: “And that?”
B: “Kitchen gun”

‘ Brett Druck (@BrettDruck) July 15, 2015

I guess I now clap my hands when I dance. It's like someone installed a shitty update and didn't tell me.

‘ natalie tran [bring them here] (@natalietran) December 11, 2015

The best part about being an adult is the day you realize you're allowed to have more than one box of cereal open.

‘ Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) December 11, 2015

haha remember when you were a kid you'd hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can't do that as an adult. someone's stupid kid is in there

‘ tara shoe (@tarashoe) December 5, 2015

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people's carts when they're not looking.

‘ elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) December 9, 2015

Clerk: can i help you with ur purchase, sir?
Him: i'm actually a thief
C: sure. what would u like to steal today?
H: i'm just looking, ty.

‘ Hamburger Hinderer (@cm_rutvik) December 11, 2015

Nobody got your back like a bed

‘ Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) December 11, 2015

I got in trouble at work for writing “nice” next to every 69 and had to cross them out pic.twitter.com/Q7bOsNBEGD

‘ very professional (@rachelmillman) December 9, 2015

We take it for granted today, but a single Dorito has more extreme nacho flavor than a peasant in the 1400s would get in his whole lifetime.

‘ Matt Crowley (@MatthewPCrowley) July 14, 2015

The first rule of Chinese Whispers Club is you never walk about shiny wasp horse cubs.

‘ GlennyRodge (@GlennyRodge) December 12, 2015

Survival Tip: don't chase a balloon into a spooky forest

‘ Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) October 9, 2015

(walks up to theater in full Darth Vader costume, speaks in Darth Vader voice) “One for 'Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip.”

‘ Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) December 11, 2015

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we're filming the movie now, do you see the difference

‘ JP Lovecraft (@online_shawn) December 7, 2015

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

‘ Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) November 12, 2015

Wife: He's always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn't hear because I'm typing 'Shrek killed Hitler' into Wikipedia]

‘ GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) December 12, 2015

Woops! Accidentally hit “reply all” when I only meant to tell one co-worker to kill himself.

‘ goth turtle (@dubstep4dads) December 11, 2015

Opinions are like assholes. I shared mine on the internet and strangers got mad at me

‘ Bad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) September 18, 2015