A Partial List Of My Awards

1988: Braunstein-Weiner Family Reunion, ‘Best Toddler” (Third Place)

1996: New York Youth Karate Open, Silver Medal Winner ‘Pity Division

1998: Crowned Syracuse, New York ‘s ‘Mr. Syracuse” (Succeeded previous winner after all other entrants were swept away in a tornado)

2002: Nottingham High School ‘s ‘Most Likely To Still Mention Ten Years After He Graduated That He Won An Award From His High School”

2003: Braunstein-Weiner Family Reunion, ‘Coolest Teen” (Nominee)

2005: University at Buffalo ‘s Japanese Language Department ‘s ‘Least Pervy Caucasian Student” (Runner Up)

2007: Dissent Magazine ‘s ‘Op-Ed Of The Year” for my essay ‘Iraq War? More Like Iraq Bore.”

2009: Named official model for Marianne, the female embodiment of the French Republic*

2010: Recipient, The Richard R. & Nina T. Smoot Award For Extraordinary Achievement In The Field Of Sitting Quietly

2012: American Society Of Wig And Toup ‘e Dealers ‘ first-ever Sam Weiner Award for Real Hair That Looks Like A Toup ‘e

2014: Nobel Laureate For Crying During Every Episode of The Flash

2015: Braunstein-Weiner Family Reunion, ‘Saddest Adult” (Winner)

*Awarded in error