27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #13

Not to give anything away, but about halfway into STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS, a manager makes you put your pants on and leave the theater.

‘ Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) December 18, 2015

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*raises hand*

“can the force be with me?”

“ahem… MAY the force be with you!”

*raised hand applies Vader-style chokehold*

‘ Myq Kaplan (@myqkaplan) December 19, 2015

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[creating x-men]
A wheelchair-bound visionary leads his people through a major conflict
“That's literally WWII”
Ok then ‘one guy has claws

‘ the hippo account (@InternetHippo) December 14, 2015

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Wife: [looking at bank statement] what's this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me's] she's on to us

‘ Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) September 15, 2015

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need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

‘ chuuch (@ch000ch) December 14, 2015

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Hey autocorrect, how about you stop worrying about my typing and start worrying about my driving.

‘ JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) December 8, 2015

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Game show host: For $1 million would you have sex wit-

Me: YES

Game show host: I haven't told you wh-

Me: [already unzipping my pants]

‘ eric (@ericsshadow) December 17, 2015

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I am not interested in your action movie unless the locations get typed onto the screen.

‘ Alex Baze (@bazecraze) December 12, 2015

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Every Bernie Sanders picture looks like he's watching someone back into his mailbox.

‘ Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) December 19, 2015

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People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

‘ Ray (@SirEviscerate) December 6, 2015

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my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

‘ jomny sun (@jonnysun) December 19, 2015

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I love these Think Thin bars. Such a yummy snack! pic.twitter.com/Cc5T3i3p7y

‘ philippe iujvidin (@philyuck) December 14, 2015

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Tweets by crylenol

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Bill Nye’s full name is Bill New Years Eve

‘ Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) December 6, 2015

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if you fuck up a meal just call it Chicago style and serve it anyway

‘ the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) December 12, 2015

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It Happened To Me: I Got My Whole Head Stuck In A Honey Jar And My Wife Drew A Handsome Man's Face On The Jar And Won't Let Me Take It Off

‘ Eindeloos Tussendoortjes (@i_zzzzzz) December 19, 2015

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“I'll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won't even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you're just making plans with someone you hate

‘ alex does photoshop (@thefurlinator) January 10, 2014

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*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn

*later*

Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs

‘ Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) December 16, 2015

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Doctor: Where does it hurt?
Me: [points to paycheck]

‘ Jedi Cheesy Grits (@JediGigi) December 1, 2015

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I can't think of a better prank than waking up from a coma and pretending you don't remember your family.

‘ Allison Raskin (@AllisonRaskin) December 19, 2015

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boss: you're fired
mime: why
boss:
mime: oh right

‘ Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) April 12, 2015

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Impress your date by calling the waiter a “fucking coward” when he warns you that your plate is extremely hot.

‘ vineyille (@vineyille) December 13, 2015

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WAITRESS: Welcome to Olive Garden when you ‘re here you ‘re family
ME: You just made it very weird for me to ask for your phone number

‘ Becky Isotobe (@BuckyIsotope) December 16, 2015

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Is casual sex where you have sex in jeans and a jean shirt because then yes, I am just looking for casual sex.

‘ ibid (@ibid78) December 19, 2015

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Buy her a diamond you piece of stupid shit – jewelers

‘ honky tonk angel bb (@dulcetry) December 10, 2015

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my mom asked me to explain Twitter to her I told her it's a thing where you put a picture of someone that's not Nirvana and say it's Nirvana

‘ The Thermals (@thethermals) December 19, 2015

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[crab playing the guitar] “anyway, here's under the sea”

‘ Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) December 6, 2015