By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s round of tweets are so good you probably won ‘t be able to finish.
Not to give anything away, but about halfway into STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS, a manager makes you put your pants on and leave the theater.
‘ Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) December 18, 2015
“can the force be with me?”
“ahem… MAY the force be with you!”
*raised hand applies Vader-style chokehold*
‘ Myq Kaplan (@myqkaplan) December 19, 2015
A wheelchair-bound visionary leads his people through a major conflict
“That's literally WWII”
Ok then ‘one guy has claws
‘ the hippo account (@InternetHippo) December 14, 2015
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what's this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me's] she's on to us
‘ Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) September 15, 2015
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
‘ chuuch (@ch000ch) December 14, 2015
Hey autocorrect, how about you stop worrying about my typing and start worrying about my driving.
‘ JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) December 8, 2015
Game show host: For $1 million would you have sex wit-
Game show host: I haven't told you wh-
Me: [already unzipping my pants]
‘ eric (@ericsshadow) December 17, 2015
I am not interested in your action movie unless the locations get typed onto the screen.
‘ Alex Baze (@bazecraze) December 12, 2015
Every Bernie Sanders picture looks like he's watching someone back into his mailbox.
‘ Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) December 19, 2015
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
‘ Ray (@SirEviscerate) December 6, 2015
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
‘ jomny sun (@jonnysun) December 19, 2015
I love these Think Thin bars. Such a yummy snack! pic.twitter.com/Cc5T3i3p7y
‘ philippe iujvidin (@philyuck) December 14, 2015
Bill Nye’s full name is Bill New Years Eve
‘ Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) December 6, 2015
if you fuck up a meal just call it Chicago style and serve it anyway
‘ the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) December 12, 2015
It Happened To Me: I Got My Whole Head Stuck In A Honey Jar And My Wife Drew A Handsome Man's Face On The Jar And Won't Let Me Take It Off
‘ Eindeloos Tussendoortjes (@i_zzzzzz) December 19, 2015
“I'll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won't even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you're just making plans with someone you hate
‘ alex does photoshop (@thefurlinator) January 10, 2014
*mugger pulls a knife*
Mugger: gimme your money
Me: well this night took a SHARP turn
Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs
‘ Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) December 16, 2015
Doctor: Where does it hurt?
Me: [points to paycheck]
‘ Jedi Cheesy Grits (@JediGigi) December 1, 2015
I can't think of a better prank than waking up from a coma and pretending you don't remember your family.
‘ Allison Raskin (@AllisonRaskin) December 19, 2015
boss: you're fired
mime: oh right
‘ Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) April 12, 2015
Impress your date by calling the waiter a “fucking coward” when he warns you that your plate is extremely hot.
‘ vineyille (@vineyille) December 13, 2015
WAITRESS: Welcome to Olive Garden when you ‘re here you ‘re family
ME: You just made it very weird for me to ask for your phone number
‘ Becky Isotobe (@BuckyIsotope) December 16, 2015
Is casual sex where you have sex in jeans and a jean shirt because then yes, I am just looking for casual sex.
‘ ibid (@ibid78) December 19, 2015
Buy her a diamond you piece of stupid shit – jewelers
‘ honky tonk angel bb (@dulcetry) December 10, 2015
my mom asked me to explain Twitter to her I told her it's a thing where you put a picture of someone that's not Nirvana and say it's Nirvana
‘ The Thermals (@thethermals) December 19, 2015
[crab playing the guitar] “anyway, here's under the sea”
‘ Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) December 6, 2015
Breaking things may be Ralph’s greatest skill, but will the Internet finally be the thing to break him? A parody of Ralph Breaks the Internet: Wreck-It Ralph 2.
“I am crushing your head,” is a phrase synonymous with Kids in the Hall, not just because of the regularity of the bit but because it’s two seconds of pure idiocy that personifies the show.