By: Jason Flowers
One thing you can say about this week ‘s best tweets is that they are certainly unpredictable.
you think astrology is fucked up? some parents believe the shape of a baby's genitals predicts their favorite toys, hobbies, and colors
‘ Willrad von Doom (@willrad) December 16, 2015
REPORTER: So I heard you're a cancer.
TRUMP: Actually, I'm a Gemini.
REPORTER: I wasn't talking about astrology.
‘ Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) December 15, 2015
Back in my day we didn't call this “Hotline Bling” or whatever, we called up The Big Bopper and he would say, “HELLO BABY!” and we loved it.
‘ Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) December 22, 2015
true fact: couples who met on the early internet make dialup modem noises when they kiss
‘ rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) December 20, 2015
Which base is it if i couldnt take off her bra because i was wearing Hulk Hands
‘ Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) December 22, 2015
“Look, I hate to get ahead of myself but…
…how much time will you make me spend with the kids after we get divorced?”
‘ Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) December 14, 2015
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife's wedding dress] laundry
‘ Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) December 22, 2015
When you wear all the clothes grandma got you for Christmas at once. pic.twitter.com/JiCp2sttzn
‘ Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) December 22, 2015
Girl: wakes up from heart transplant
“Where's my boyfriend”
Dad: who do u think gave u the heart
Dad: jk he's in the hall vaping
‘ fleur (@infleurtile) July 5, 2015
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it's roger isn't it?? over
‘ content provider (@cwhudson) June 24, 2015
[alphabet naming committee]
okay what comes after O and P
let's just do O and P again but give em dicks
‘ FROVO (@fro_vo) March 7, 2015
You can call me a “simpleton” if you choose. But I ask you this. What is that. What is simpleton, is that like a good or bad thing, not sure
‘ Jamie (from before) (@Jamie1947) August 15, 2013
[stumbles out of time machine bleeding] ok 1864 Montana is not a good time and place for hidden camera pranks
‘ JP Lovecraft (@online_shawn) December 18, 2015
[hanging out with a new friend]
How is this going, am I prancing about with my lute too much
‘ audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) December 21, 2015
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don't judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
‘ Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) December 19, 2015
Should I drink more red wine?
Good Doctor: The benefits of red wine may be less than originally reported.
Spin Doctor: Just go ahead now.
‘ Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) March 27, 2015
Me: I know you from somewhere
Jesus: I get that a lot
Me: no I'm sure
Jesus: just one of those faces
Me: [holding arms out] go like this
‘ Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) October 26, 2015
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
‘ Little Ben (@Buncahn) December 21, 2015
No greater reminder of your mortality than the annual check-in with your hometown news anchors.
‘ Alex Baze (@bazecraze) December 21, 2015
If there's one thing I hate… ok two things… Actually, sit down. This might take a while.
‘ Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) December 22, 2015
Love cooking shows where host is like “This is a super easy recipe with ingredients you already have in your pantry!” Bitch what pantry
‘ Jamie A. Lee (@TheJamieLee) December 22, 2015
Her: can you open this jar up?
Me: *to jar* buddy what's going on?
Jar: *starts crying* I've been in a cupboard 8 months dude
‘ Otter Garble (@Garblemarble) December 15, 2015
new product ideas:
– I Can't Believe It's Not Music
– Now That's What I Call Butter
‘ dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 8, 2015
Dog Student:”I ate my homework”
Cat Teacher:”Again? Unbelievable do it now then.”
*lays on top of book making it impossible to get it done*
‘ sicifetus (@toomanytoes) June 17, 2015
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“no they were like faster than normal”
‘ EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) February 19, 2015