By: Ben Wietmarschen
It ‘s a new year and you want a new you! And by “new you” you mean a thinner, fitter, musclier, able-to-lift-way-more-than-people-who-ask-you-to-help-them-move-expect-you-to-be-able-to you! And you ‘ve made a New Year ‘s resolution to achieve the new you by going to the gym regularly. But you ‘re not the only one!
Regular gym goers will be looking on with judgey eyes this new year while n00bs invade their exercise space and jam up their workout routine trying to figure out how to use one of those rope pulley system pull-down machines.
But not you! You ‘re better than all those other dimple-butt slobs invading the local Gold ‘s. And you want the gym regulars to know you ‘re not some dumb dick who goes to the gym a few times and then pathetically fades back to flab.
Here are a few tips and tricks to keep the gym rats from sniffing you out like a hunk of stinky sweaty cheese.
1. Pick a machine, plop down, and start crushing.
Crushing is easy. It basically means move quickly and deliberately without hesitation until you count to 10. The worst thing you can do when you first encounter a machine is to slink around, inspecting things with your little rookie eyebrows raised and your newbie forehead wrinkled up in confusion. Just make a decision and CRUSH!
2. Look at your arms.
One thing real gym people do is look down at their arms, twist ’em around a little, take a peek at the back of their shoulder, all with a thoughtful face. Not happy, necessarily, but not exactly hating what they ‘re seeing either.
3. Drink a pink liquid from an opaque water bottle that has a little sippy spout on it.
You can figure out what all the regulars are drinking later, when you become friends with them and they give you drink recommendations. But for now, maybe just throw in some Kool-Aid mix or a few leftover candy canes in some tap water and that should pass the veterans ‘ eyeball test.
4. Tell others “Good Set” often, but don ‘t spaz out about it.
Now this is where you ‘re gonna have to go off-book and trust your gut. If you see someone really working at a “set” (“set” being anything that includes “reps”) (“reps” being anything that requires the repper to “push”) (“push” is when they “go for it”), and that person finishes and looks pleased with themselves, just calmly toss them a quiet, nonchalant “good set.” Be careful, though, if you ‘re too enthusiastic about it or you give out too many you might as well be wearing jean shorts for how out of place you ‘ll look. “Good set” to gym goers is like “nice lick” to guitar players or “love that top” to 30-year-old women.
5. Remember: ABRYN (Always Be Rolling Your Neck)
When you go to the gym often, your neck is constantly sore. If you keep your neck in the same position for more than three seconds you ‘ll be spotted and tagged as a teeny tiny tenderfoot faster than you can say “breathable gear.” If you start getting dizzy from all that rolling, reach up and pull your head down to your shoulder, showing off as many veins in your neck as possible. Veins are like scars to gym goers, shows people how long you ‘ve been “in the shit.”