By: Drunk Funny Or Die

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Drunk Article #3: A St. Patrick’s Day Guyde to The Israeli Elections

Hey guys. I ‘m Jewish in the house but a little bit Irish and a LOT irish today because I ‘m like 50% Jameson.

So I thought I woudl tell you guys some real nrews this week about what is going on with somethign legit importent>: The Israeli elections.


I don ‘t want to put mu real name on this, my aunts and stuff read everything I post. Hi guys. I also drank a bunch of Baeileys! We love baielyes in my family.

I have a big family secret taht I can ‘t tell for a whil.e

So He ‘re ‘s the deal. There is an election is Israel today. The incumbent candidate for prime minister is Binyamin Netanyahu, Popularly known as BIBI. he has been big news in the America press for a number of reasons!

Israeli policitics is important in America, becausethey are an importan ally for us in the Middle East.

Additionally, Bib recently addressed the US Senate WITHOUGT talking to BARACK Obama. Here is the deal ther: NO US president woud publically slight a PRIME minister of ISrael. We can ‘t. They are a lynchpin of our public foreign policy, because of their location, and also because the american jewish lobby AND the americna Chritsiton lobby both have a vested interest for Different reasons for America to support Israel.

I AM jewisth. And look. a BIG part of growing up jewish in this country is an inculcated pseudopatriotic love for the STATE of ISrael. And I don ‘t know. I think that ‘s an over simplification.k



So here ‘s the deal. BIbi addressed the US congress ( or senate?) and he should not have done that. I mean it ‘s ‘ fint from his end but OUR congongress shoudl not have invited him. Becase it ‘s not that OBMAMA would not have talked to him bUT we have a blaket policy of not engageing with politicians who are about to face reelection, because we don ‘t want to effect foreign elections adn we know that Amirecan poliitics are like the 500 poiund gorlillla in the room.

SO we invited him anyway? Or rahter Republicans did to UNDERMINE obama. Which liest be honet, if Democrats had dones ometing similar under Budhs we would pribonbably be cool with it, but it would still be bull. American ‘s fpreign policy right or whroong has to be unified to the outisde. We CANNOT have foreign leaders negotiatiing with our Congress going AROUND the president! That is tantamount to a coup.

That ‘s melodramatic. It ‘s probably fine. Here is my policy for corrections to this piece: I will try to correct a typyo or a mistaken statement once but if in teh course of the correcton i introudce MORE ERROrS i have to leave them. VIZ: eorrors.

I ‘m the only female news writer here. I weigh 125 lbs and i think the alcohol hits me harder but that ‘s neighetr here nor there.I had to drink today to be one of the boys. DOROTHY PARKER


So Bibi is up for reelection TODAY. I have gotten this far in without even MENTIONING palestinisanas which is GROSS. Because here ‘s the thing. Americans have an oversimplified view of the Israel/Palestine oconfflict. And we could do SO much good if we ould take a clear eyed look at it.

No. This is not thie time to talk abuot this but I will write a clearl eyed thing about it tomorrow.

So who are Netanyahiu ‘s opponent ‘S? Because here ‘s the deal. He CALLED this election HIMSELF. He thought it woudl be good for him because he overestimated his own hawkish popularity.

SO h e might lose! Which would be maybe great, because he might be replaced by someone who really, honestly is willing to try for a two state solution . Which is the only way that we might have a sustainable path to peace. I ‘m sorry but it is. But he MIGHt be replaced by someone who is even more hawkiSH than he. Which is bad news for ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE.

I just deleted a bunch of stuff I wrote about Israel and Palisteinge.

ANYWAY. Hre are his opponoents:

The most likely is Isaac Herzog, who is teh leader of a Center Left Coalition. They currently have a lead over Netanyahu, but polls don ‘t close until 4 PM EST.

I think that guy ‘ s going to win.

Hey Israel I hope you don ‘t feellike I made light of your elections. I really tried my best but it is a weird white drunk holiday here.



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