By: News

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Chris Christie Guest Op-Ed: “Yo, Swing States ‘ I Totes Chilled Out On The Whole Weed Thing, Dawgs”

Hey, dudes and dudettes ‘ it ‘s your chill ‘bud,” Chris Christie, the governor of New Jersey. I just saw this waaaaaaay also-chill (like me) news report saying that you voters in swing states like Florida, Pennsylvania and Ohio support legalization of marijuana, and guess what ‘ I totally do now, too!

And I realized it just before the 2016 presidential race heats up! How radical is that!

Now, I know I may have tried to block medical marijuana from being legalized in New Jersey, and that I said if I were president, I would use federal law to punish states that allowed the sale of cannabis products. And I may have even recently said that the immense tax revenue generated by legal marijuana is ‘blood money.” But all that was before I realized the election could potentially hinge on this issue! So you gotta trust me when I say that you moon doggies have me all ‘bong”(wrong)!

The thing is, I said all that stuff because I was so high! On smoke from pot! Sometimes I hit the ol ‘ Volcano Vaporizer ‘ essentially the Cadillac of forced-air vaporizers, a thing I have known about for a long time because of my commitment to marijuana consumption ‘and then I just say whatever, ya know? Like how when you ‘re so baked and you ‘re laughing really hard, and then you say things that are the opposite of supporting marijuana legalization laws? Oh, man! That ‘s what happened!

And there are so many other things I can blame on marijuana, which I love! Bridgegate, for example ‘ I was hella blazed off that sticky-icky-icky-icky when that went down. Was that too many ‘ickys?” Sometimes I forget how many to say, because of all the sticky-icky-icky-icky! Anyway, the George Washington Bridge got all jammed up that one day not because I was abusing my power to settle petty political scores, but because I was stoned and I just forgot to open up those toll lanes. Oops! Weed!

And when I told that guy to sit down and shut up that one time, that ‘s because I forgot to smoke my dabs that morning, so I was really on edge! Dabs, or shatter, are of course pure THC made by forcing butane through marijuana and then extracting the resulting resins via a variety of methods. They are then vaporized using a special water pipe, whereupon the activated cannabinoids interact with special receptors in the brain and cause euphoria. Again, I know all of this not because of Wikipedia, but because I love marijuana and its surrounding culture SO MUCH!

And of course, I would be remiss if I didn ‘t mention THE MUNCHIES, which is obviously something I get from all the dank bud I smoke. It turns out that I ‘m overweight from marijuana, not because I am deeply angry and unhappy and use food as a coping mechanism for my emotional problems! No sir! IT ‘S ALL BECAUSE-A DAT GANJA!

So just remember, Chris ‘Bob Marley” Christie is IRIE in 2016! BUMBACLOT!

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