By: Fran Gillespie
Meet the people that have done almost nothing remarkable in the last year.
DANNY SANTA MARIA
He ‘s the president of the eighth grade and he promised the water fountains would have soda by the end of the year, and they don ‘t! False promises and zero action.
PETE D ‘ONOFRIO
He owns a restaurant and truly refuses to let anyone use the restroom unless they have purchased a full meal. A FULL MEAL. This unpopular policy has earned him the reputation of a guy people are annoyed with.
It doesn ‘t matter how many times you mention the light in your bathroom is out, you will still end up taking a shower in the dark, but if your rent is one day overdue, she ‘s on your ass like you about to get evicted.
THE DUDE SITTING BESIDE ME ON THE PLANE RIGHT NOW
Haha, what a pushover. I keep spreading my legs and arms wider and wider and he hasn ‘t said anything. He ‘s just slowly squeezing his entire body into a little ball.
MR.BARKER, OUR SUB IN ALGEBRA CLASS
Fuck you. That ‘s right. What are you gonna do about it? Write a note? You ‘re not even our real algebra teacher! ‘ No I didn ‘t do the fucking worksheet! I don ‘t need to do shit! You ‘re not in charge! ‘ I ‘ll shut up when I ‘m good and ready!
HUDSON THE SIGN SPINNER
Look, Hudson ‘s got some great moves and a lotta charisma, but never once has his sick sign spinning convinced a single person to go SELL UR GOLD AND SILVER 4 $$$.
Hasn ‘t washed his legs in 20 years. He quickly rubs soap on his torso and armpits but that ‘s pretty much it.
CARA WHO STUDIED ABROAD
Cara went to New Zealand for fall semester and ever since she came back she acts like she knows so much about the world. But she doesn ‘t. New Zealand is just America with higher hills and a lower drinking age. By the way, no one picks up an accent in four months.
KAREN ALBRIGHT, PIANO TEACHER
Bitch! The biggest bitch in the world, she constantly says that you need to practice, refers to her own pants as”slacks, ‘ and tells your mom you ‘re undisciplined.
Founded a non-profit that sends boxes of confetti to starving children in Africa.
YOUR LIBERTARIAN UNCLE
Uncle Joe ‘s got a LOT to say about politics, but the good news is that he lives on a remote ranch in Montana where no one ever has to listen to him.
The nation trusted her to find us a murderer and she couldn ‘t even do that.
He had this crazy dream last night and can ‘t wait to tell all his office mates! Also the night before. And the night before that. Basically all this guy does is talk about his dreams.
He wanted to play basketball in a league for adults, but he missed the deadline to sign up. He asked around, but they wouldn ‘t make an exception and just let him play.
He just started watching The Jinx.
PERSON WHO ACCIDENTALLY TEXTED YOU
It was an honest mistake and he doesn ‘t know how he got the number wrong. Oh well, he doesn ‘t mean to be a bother. Goodnight and sorry again!
Look, if people are going to feel passionate about you one way or another, you can ‘t be so stand-offish. Cats used to be worshiped as deities and this past year there was just a whole lot of nothing.
NO one has the right to tell you what time you need to be home or how loud your music can be or who to fuck or what to smoke! You ‘re 14 years old dammit!
Spent 12% of this past year at parties telling his friends he was tired.
Doug gets high and sleeps all the time. And not in a cool, chill-guy way. He ‘s totally unreliable. You ‘ll be like, ‘Hey Doug, did you do that important thing you promised you would do?” And he ‘ll be like, ‘No. I got high and slept all day instead.” That ‘s his thing.
ANYONE WHO WENT TO GRAD SCHOOL
Who gives a fuck? You think you seem smart, but you just seem desperate and reckless with your money. NEXT!
Even though he ‘s everywhere, the person he inspires the most is himself. This is more frustrating than not trying at all, because he tries very hard.
GUY CALLING FOR ‘CIVILITY IN PUBLIC DISCOURSE”
Wait one minute. What is this revolutionary idea you ‘re proposing? You think we should all be ‘ civil? This changes EVERYTHING. We ‘ve been doing it all wrong for years. Put down your weapons! Lower your voices! Listen to this man of wisdom! He has something VERY important to say!
YOUR NEIGHBOR WHO SELLS HERBALIFE
Of all pyramid schemers, Herbalife salespeople are no doubt the least influential. So what if they offer great business opportunities! So what if they can change your life! So what if there ‘s a limited-time offer and if you buy in now you ‘ll save 50 percent or more! Never mind, I take it back, Herbalife is the shit. I just bought in, and in fact I ‘d love to tell you more about it sometime. I guarantee this product will change your life, as it has already changed mine!
FIRST GRADERS EVERYWHERE
Constantly operating with the attitude of ‘me first,” these emotionally vacant six-year-olds stare at you when you cry, make dolls bald, and are the source of alcoholism in many adults.
She stars ALL of your tweets yet never once retweets you to her 49 followers, 23 of whom are bots. It ‘s not like she has some cultivated Twitter persona to protect ‘ in fact, all she tweets are LivingSocial deals and Dr. Oz quotes. So why no retweets? She has nothing to lose, and you could really use the exposure! Why?! WHY?!
You chose the wrong way to spell your name. I would blame it on your parents but this is all you.
Traps strangers in conversation just to tell them she doesn ‘t own a TV.
Yes you. The person reading this right now. I know this might be hard to hear, but no one cares what you have to say.