By: Mike Scollins

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New Shadow Puppets For People Tired Of The Same Old Shit

Hey guys, professional shadow puppet master Francisco Randazzo here. I know what you ‘re thinking: ‘Hey Frank, there haven ‘t been any new innovations in shadow puppets in what ‘ 75 years?!” And you ‘re right! How is it possible that Apple can release a computer you wear on your wrist yet we ‘re all still stuck doing that lame rabbit guy when it comes to shadow puppets?!

Well, worry no more friends of the shadow! Today I ‘ll show you a bunch of super-cool brand-new tricks guaranteed to win you friends and get you laid.

I ‘m guessing doing that stupid ‘Crane” has left you all a little rusty so let ‘s start simple: Take both hands and stand like you ‘re playing an air guitar.

It ‘s an actual guitar! Pretty cool, right?! That one ‘s supposed to be a shadow puppeteer secret but let ‘s just say I was able to ‘pull a couple of strings.” (LOLOL I also do comedy!!) Let ‘s move on.

OK, this next one is so simple even a baby could do it! Actually that would be really fun. If you can get a baby to do this, you should. I ‘ve never met my children so I ‘ll just do it myself. Take both hands and extend both middle fingers into the air like so:

And take a look what we have here!

U.S. Senator, presidential nominee, and noted douchebag Rand Paul! This one is gonna definitely come in handy when discussing abortion legislation.

But if you ‘re trying to keep conservation a little light, here ‘s something that ‘ll definitely earn you a round of applause:

Before we get started, this next one ‘s gonna require a friend. I don ‘t have any so here ‘s someone I know from AA. Unfortunately, since we met at AA, I can ‘t tell you his name. Anyways, take your respective hands and do that thing where someone clasps vertically and someone clasps horizontally and you look inside and it looks like a cooter.

Yowza! Now this is something you ‘ve probably done a million times in the dark but when cast in shadow you ‘re greeted with a perfect, fully realized-looking snizz! Definitely wait till AFTER you put the kids to bed for this baby!

Thanks, Dave. Oh shit I wasn ‘t supposed to say his name. Anyways, after this cooch you ‘re probably in the mood to masturbate. Which brings us to our next trick! Roll your eyes and do that apathetic jerk-off motion in the air like when you hear someone ‘s ‘going paleo.”

And voila! You ‘ve just projected the five billionth think piece on Lena Dunham! (Seriously, guys, let ‘s just accept she ‘s awesome and move on.)

Now go ahead and throw up a Wu-Tang sign.

Nothing shows up cause Wu Tang Clan ain ‘t nothing to fuck with! GOTCHA! If you ‘re enjoying this tutorial so far, please Venmo $80 to shadowtricksfrank@hotmail!

Now, you guys have all seen The Shining right? It was a really cool miniseries with Steven Weber and Rebecca De Mornay. Anyways, do the ‘Redrum! Redrum!” thing like the little autistic boy does. But here ‘s the twist ‘ with your other hand, give a thumbs up!

Now THESE are some twins I wouldn ‘t mind riding my Big Wheel past in a hotel hallway!! By now you ‘re probably wondering why my name is Francisco Randazzo despite clearly being Irish. I ‘ve found the best thing for everyone is to just not worry about it.

Moving on! This next one is very dangerous so proceed with caution. Hold up two fingers. Make one point east and one point west. Assuming you can handle it, you should have something resembling a peace sign.

Now take a look at the wall!

Whoa! It ‘s a magic eye of the entire text of Martin Luther King Jr ‘s I Have a Dream speech. Trick your most racist friend into reading it out loud! Mine ‘s my dad!

And, to finish, let ‘s do one more double pup. Bring that friend back from earlier. In the past five minutes mine has apparently fallen off the wagon.

Take your fingers and make them almost touch.

Whoa! You ‘ve transported your entire dinner party to Vatican City! No passport required! Light a candle and say a silent prayer!

Alright! Well that ‘s it for today ‘s lesson. Feel free to post your own shadow puppets in the comment section. Speaking of the comments section, I know what ‘C U Next Tuesday” means now so please stop saying it!!!

* I ‘ve just been informed you DO need a passport to do this last shadow puppet. Sorry.

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