This afternoon the Baltimore Orioles and Chicago White Sox are playing the first ever Major League Baseball game without a crowd. The Orioles ‘ last two games have been cancelled due to the unrest in downtown Baltimore, which of course serves as a surreal and sad backdrop for a baseball game, crowd or no crowd. While this is unprecedented in American sports, fan-less soccer matches happen every now and then in leagues around the world, usually due to possible violence between fan bases.
We can all imagine how eerie a crowdless baseball game could be but you ‘d be surprised how baseball traditions, after more than a century of being engrained in American culture, find a way to shine through. In fact, one person was accidentally let into the game today and wouldn ‘t you know it, that one person tried to start the wave.
OK everybody, listen up! Who wants to do the wave? We ‘re gonna get the wave started! Let ‘s get up and do the wave!
Oh come on! Don ‘t be a bunch of sore sports, stop paying attention to the game and do the wave with me! It ‘s fun and easy just everyone stand up when I count to three, throw your arms in the air and say ‘Whhhooooooaaaa!”
We got a shy group here, huh? Don ‘t worry I have experience. Now get up and do the wave, it ‘s gonna be great, who ‘s with me?!
1! 2! 3! Whhhhooooooooooaaaaaaaaaa! Clockwise! We ‘re going clockwise people that means left to right! Or, well, my left to my right or actually your right to your left. Anyway, here we go again! 1! 2! 3! Whhhhoooooooooaaaaaaaa!
COME ON! LET ‘S GO! GET UP AND DO THE WAVE PEOPLE! I started the wave once at a minor league game when I was in high school and it was the greatest thing that ‘s ever happened to me. Everyone was having so much fun I swear. It took like 4 innings of me screaming my head off and singling out people in the stands one by one telling them they were bad baseball fans for paying attention to the game instead of getting up and doing the wave. It was AWESOME! LET ‘S DO IT! 1! 2! 3! Whoooa
I ‘ll level with you: I ‘m not used to going to baseball games so I ‘m bored. HELP ME! LOOK AT ME AND DO THE WAVE WITH ME! 1! 2! Goddammit I can tell no one is gonna do it.
Ok, listen. I don ‘t like baseball. Or sports at all. I just go to sports games because it ‘s an excuse to get out of the house and away from my kids. The thought of me starting the wave is the only thing that excites me about coming to a baseball game. I have a short attention span and I like to be the center of attention so the wave is all I have right now. Don ‘t take it away from me. I ‘m sorry I yelled before. I ‘ll talk quieter if you just please, for the love of God, do the wave with me. Here we go. I wanna see everyone up this time. 1. 2. 3.
Um, ok, message received. No one wants to do the wave. You guys are boring. I ‘m leaving to beat the traffic.