What Roger Goodell Told The Members Of The 2015 NFL Draft Class

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The annual NFL Draft got underway in Chicago last night and, as always, it was quite a spectacle. Over the years the NFL Draft has evolved from a private, smokey room full of executives and scouts to a fully televised Hollywood set replete with the glitz and glamor of the Oscars (or probably a lesser awards show like the People ‘s Choice Awards if that ‘s still around, but still, you know, pretty big).

While fans tend to get bogged down in how they ‘re team did and who they got, it ‘s easy to lose sight of the fact that each draft pick is literally the moment a young man ‘s dreams come true. They have been working so hard, late nights in the weight room, 2-a-days through the hot summer months, and a whole lot of slapping teammates on their shoulder pads right before they charge out onto the field. All for this one moment where they can finally say they ‘ve reached the highest level of their field and they can stop remembering things.

One of the most iconic moments in any football player ‘s life is when he gets to walk across that draft stage, put on the baseball hat of his new team, and shake Commissioner Roger Goodell ‘s hand as Goodell whispers a word of welcome. In past drafts we were never able to tell what Goodell was saying to each player, but this year the technology was finally there. Below is the transcript of what Goodell told some of the top round-one draft picks.

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Pick #3 Jaguars – Dante Fowler Jr., OLB

‘Welcome to the NFL young man, soak up the fun of this draft experience now because from here on out your life will be all about hard work, football, violent mood swings, and paranoia that will make friendly handshakes like this impossible for you.”

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Pick #5 Redskins – Brandon Scherff, OT

‘I ‘m very excited about having you in The League, Brandon. Oh, you know what you should do for the cameras? Like a big tommy-hawk chop or one of those screams where you slap your mouth with your hand a bunch, you know, like the Indians do all the time! A Redskin is an Indian in case you didn ‘t know, like one of those sci-fi characters that cowboys fight in movies. I don ‘t know about you but I could use some firewater right now, myself. You wanna get some beers after this is over? We could be friends, I think.”

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Pick #6 Jets – Leonard Williams, DT

‘I ‘m so happy for you, Leonard, congratulations. Oh, some clean ears you got here. Don ‘t get used to it, you ‘ll be bleeding out of those babies in no time.”

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Pick #7 Bears – Kevin White, WR

White: ‘Sir, it ‘s an honor to be chosen to play in the NFL.”
Goodell: ‘You ever have to crap so bad you felt it poking at your ribs?”
White: ‘Sir?”
Goodell: ‘I ‘m working on a mean one here and I don ‘t think they ‘ll let me go to the bathroom.”
White: ‘Um, good luck?”
Goodell: ‘Well, ya win some you lose some. Ooh lord, those fire wings are burnin ‘ my insides.”

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Pick #8 Falcons – Vic Beasley, OLB

‘That ‘s right, smile for the camera, son. Don ‘t let anyone know I literally have my hand up your ass. I do this to all the draftees to signify how I control you now. You are my puppet and you will do my bidding. And remember: A puppet doesn ‘t question his master.”

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Pick #10 Rams – Todd Gurley, RB

‘Please don ‘t miss, please don ‘t miss, please don ‘t miss, YEAH! I ‘m doing one of those black guy, hand-around-the-thumb handshakes! I ‘m one of you! Oh, sorry, yes, Todd, welcome.”

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Pick #11 Vikings – Trae Waynes, CB

‘Not to be presumptuous, but I think we ‘re kind of clicking, right? I ‘m getting some beer with the Redskins pick from earlier, do you want to join us, Trae? Maybe we can find some gals, do a little hounddoggin ‘? My wife ‘s away and I don ‘t care what she thinks anyway.”

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Pick #12 Browns – Danny Shelton, DT

‘Thank you, I needed this. None of these other guys will be my friend.”

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Pick #13 Saints – Andrus Peat, OT

‘Alright Andrus, I ‘ll only ask you this once: Have you ever beaten, hit, or otherwise domestically abused a woman? And before you answer, know that when it comes to matters like this we at the NFL abide by the time-honored ‘pics or it didn ‘t happen ‘ policy.”