By: TV Data Department
Every month, we at Funny or Die pay for a huge number of channels on cable TV. We decided that we might as well get our money ‘s worth out of them, by asking two goofballs to watch every single one of them for ten hours without any breaks.
Funny Or Die challenged comedians, friends, and TV maniacs Wes Schlagenhauf and Parker Seaman to sit in a room and watch every channel we get on our TV. Seems pretty easy, right? It isn ‘t, because the majority of these channels are terrible such as The Old Stinky Hamper Network and The Spit Network (probably). Also they abandoned their mothers to be here. Here are the rules:
- The All Channels Challenge shall last 10 hours.
- Every channel must be watched for 5 minutes.
- No channel can be skipped.
- No breaks for any reason whatsoever.
You can go to the bathroom though.
As these dudes go HAM watching TV, we ‘ll keep you all updated right here with their thoughts and also their vital signs because this challenge very well could kill them. Cheah!!! Updates to come!!!
11:59 AM – This is about to go down.
12:07 PM – CH. 1 – WINS: Throw Out Your Makeup!
The speakers and blasting, the snacks are flowing, and we are now watching TV. The guys are learning to throw out their makeup. This is a lesson we should all learn and we learned it right here using the power of TV. Imagining everything we will learn over the next 10 hours lifts me and inspires me.
Also the fire alarm is going off.
1:06 PM – CH. 5 – KTLA: Armando Montelongo Flipping
Wes and Parker just called a 1-800 number for a seminar that taught you how to make a million by flipping houses. The person who answered the phone had not even taken the seminar. Doesn ‘t inspire a lot of confidence. Armando Montelongo just lost a potential customer and could definitely stand to strengthen his brand.
1:19 PM – CH. 7 – ABC – Bulls game and a visit from a friend
Wes and Parker had an awesome time watching the Bulls game until a naked dude came by looking for his wallet. Just goes to show that anything can happen when you ‘re watching TV. The man used a camera to cover his privates.
1:51 PM – CH. 24 – KVCR2 – Untamed Gourmet and coach Todd
These guys are watching a low budget cooking show which is pretty boring. But things got interesting when a man named Coach Todd from FOD ‘s Data Department came in and told them they might not be able to go to the bathroom for ten hours.
2:00 PM – CH. 28 – KVMD – Aging Backwards with Miranda Esmonde-White and chicken
The guys are getting a bit fatigued and the tension in the room is palpable. But we got them some chicken to make everyone feel more comfortable and more at home. A whole bucket, along with gravy, potatoes, and mac ‘n ‘ cheese. These are the foods of Mother ‘s Day.
2:10 PM – Ch. 30 KPXN – Ghost Whisperer and guitar
The magic of the show Ghost Whisperer inspired Wes to grab his guitar and start strumming. Not entirely sure what the show is about. It ‘s got a lot of soft colors in it.
2:13 PM – No time for Mom
Wes ‘s mom is texting him but Hallmark Holidays take second priority to epic FOD challenges such as watching 10 hours of TV. They invented Mother ‘s Day to sell greeting cards people!!
Hey Mom, yeah I get that it's Mother's Day, but I'm friggin doing my thang @funnyordie so shut it!
‘ Wes Schlagenhauf (@wesschlagenhauf) May 10, 2015
2:15 PM – CH. 34 KMEX – Spanish language smoothie commercial and we won ‘t let them pee
Remember, these guys agreed to watch TV for ten hours straight. We did not tell them they could leave to go to the bathroom. I don ‘t think we should be made to feel bad for refusing to let them leave the room to go to the bathroom.
Been stuck in this room for 3 hours and they won’t let me pee. @funnyordie why are you doing this to me?
‘ Seaman tweets (@parker_seaman) May 10, 2015
2:30 PM – CH. 50 KOCE – Joe Bonamasssa and peeing
There is an old man playing guitar on PBS SO-Cal and we finally let the guys pee. They were pretty relieved, LOL. They peed.
2:40 PM – CH. 56 – KJLA – More Armando Montelongo programming
Armando has proven himself yet again as the king of TV. He is shutting it down. He staked out all the best channels and got right in the middle of them. Once again, though, the people he hires at his call centers are lagging!! Not. Doing. Great. The guys called them again looking for real estate advice and were jerked around and didn ‘t get anything useful at all. Armando: Next time your number comes up, don ‘t expect a call from Wes and Parker.
3:08 PM – CH. 70 QVCHD – Fashion and nice food
The guys are learning about fashion by watching QVC HD. While they ‘re doing it, we ordered nice food for everyone in the crew and shitty fast food for the guys. We ‘ve pretty much decided to wear them down because it ‘s even funnier to watch them watch bad TV when they ‘re kinda pissed off. They are not liking the QVC stuff.
3:26 PM – CH. 73 – EVINE – Invicta Celebration Featuring Once Onlys
‘You know what honey, go ahead to the park without me. I actually have to stay home and buy a watch off of TV.”
‘ Parker Seaman
This channel has the distinct honor of having the longest and hardest to understand title there is. I feel like it ‘s in another language but I can tell it isn ‘t. Maybe it was translated badly. Also, it ‘s crazy how many of these channels are for people who inexplicably shop through their TV.
3:38 – CH. 77 – SALE – BISSEL Clean infomercial
‘ Wes Schlagenhauf (@wesschlagenhauf) May 10, 2015
‘Every other channel is an infomercial.”
‘ – Wes Schlagenhauf
The guys have hit a huge block of QVC-style infomercials that seems like it will be with them for the next few hours. These commercials are useful to maybe two people in the universe. Crazy.
4:25 PM – CH. 240 – HSN – Too Faced Cosmetics and the inescapable home shopping channels
We sped through a few channels to get to some channels that weren ‘t infomercials, and we ended up at the Home Shopping Network. Yikes. This is like being stuck in a terrifying tunnel where there are awful TV shows around every corner, and the worst part is we brought it upon ourselves by entering the tunnel (blindly buying many, many channels). But the guys are saying positive ‘what a couple of adorable boys.
5:10 PM – The halfway point!
After five hours of watching all the channels on TV, our dudes are pretty beat. But there are so so so many channels left to get through. They ‘re passing the time by using the soundboard pictured below.
5:31 PM – CH. 247 – TBS: Big Bang Theory and other ways to spend money
While watching TBS, the guys pitched on some other things they could ‘ve spend their money on instead of paying for overpriced cable packages. These things included funding short films for emerging artists and buying a gift for a friend. Pretty good ideas, I think.
5:37 PM – CH. 249 – Comedy Central and exhaustion
The guys have hit paydirt with the good channels. Unfortunately they are too tired and frustrated by 5+ hours of terrible cable shows to enjoy it. The lesson? Watching cable TV is perilous. Doesn ‘t help that the movie they ‘re playing on Comedy Central is Couples Retreat.
6:07 PM – CH. 258 – FXM – X-Men Origins: Wolverine
The guys hit upon a FX movie channel that looked like it was ‘Saving Private Ryan, ‘ a great flick. Turns out it was actually ‘X-Men Origins: Wolverine, ‘ which is bad. Too many cable channels, though this mixup was probably on Wes and Parker .
Hey @funnyordie are we gonna find out we're a part of Oprah's new prank show?
‘ Wes Schlagenhauf (@wesschlagenhauf) May 11, 2015
No Wes, you are not. This is the real deal.
6:39 PM – Visit from a party monkey
Just when the guys were at their lowest, we sent in a monkey who loves to party to pick them back up. This monkey brought the beer and the fun. Pictured behind the monkey: more goddamn shopping channels. Are you kidding me, TV?
7:16 PM – Making a list of channels to keep
These guys are trying to use their time productively. They made a list of all the channels they ‘ve seen so far that they would keep. The list is below.
- ‘Movie stuff”
Not too many. Right now these guys are on OVTHD, Channel 274 and they ‘re watching Pride and Prejudice, and they do not like it.
7:38 PM – CH. 277 – TRAVHD – No Reservations
The guys liked this show because it is informational. These are a couple of fellahs who like to learn. However, once again, they ‘re a little too burnt out from watching hundreds of channels and hours of TV to enjoy Anthony Bourdain.
8:08 PM – CH. 290 – DISNEY and massages
The guys were clearly very tense so we sent in a professional masseur to relax them. With all the extra channels they have on TV, they got very stressed out because they had to get through so many. The insane cable package we pay for at FOD is shaving years off of their lives ‘it ‘s utterly tragic.
8:24 – CH. 295 – GAC – Flea Market Flip
‘Anything you can possibly film, we ‘ll just make that a TV show!!”
‘ Parker Seaman
This quote is definitely true when watching Flea Market Flip. Our guys are burnt out but at least a little relaxed from their massages.
8:34 PM – CH. 327 – CMTHD – Cops Reloaded
Okay, this show can ‘t really be argued with. It ‘s buried pretty deep at the top but it is awesome.
‘I wanna keep watching this forever. I love this show.”
‘ Wes Schlagenhauf
9:00 – CH. 344 – SBN: Family Worship Sunday Service
- PARKER: What do they want us to say about this??
- WES: I ‘ll say it right now. God doesn ‘t exist.
These are the specialty channels. They ‘re not for everyone.
9:05 – RFDTV – CH. 345 – America ‘s Heartland
RFDTV claims to be the premier channel of rural America. Apparently every region in America has its own channel now. TOO MANY!!
9:10 PM – CH. CSP 1 – Q & A
CSPAN1: the ultimate low for the entire day. This is truly the most boring channel there is.
9:31 PM – CH. ?? – Vampire show
We ‘re reaching the home stretch and the guys are going nuts. Right now they are watching a Vampire show which is definitely a step in the right direction. But it ‘s still not great. It ‘s been a while since these dudes have seen a TV show they were familiar with ‘they are in the wasteland of the upper TV channels. FOD does not need these.
10:00 PM – MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!
They did it. The guys watched TV for 10 hours straight with no breaks even to go to the bathroom. They were worn down into nothing, and built back up into heroes. We messed with them a lot by giving them a ton of junk food and by giving them massages that were actually terrible (I admit ‘I did the massages and I just poured a ton of oil on their back).
Below are some choice excerpts from the notebooks Wes and Parker kept during their journey.
- ‘Rick ‘s Rare Coins is blowing it. No Twitter!!”
- ‘TV is for old people!”
- ‘Armando Will flip your home. Don ‘t trust him.”
- ‘Too much butt on Keeping Up With The Kardashians!”
- ‘Didn ‘t know I could make bandanas out of a shirt but I found out I can.”
- ‘Why is EVERYONE being so MEAN??”
- ‘I got an idea: NO MORE SHOWS ABOUT HITLER. WE GET IT. HE ‘S THE WORST.”
- ‘The Sprout Channel has to go. I think I might kill myself soon.”
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