By: Ben Wietmarschen
After the Cleveland Cavaliers and Golden State Warriors won conference championships earlier this week, they both have the NBA Finals to look forward to. Since those don ‘t start till next Thursday, that leaves a whole week for the teams to kill. Funny or Die got our hands on the teams ‘ plans for their week off and have posted them below.
Stephen Curry, Guard – Warriors
Plans to bring his adorable daughter Riley to libraries, golf courses, the quiet Amtrak car, eye doctor appointments, and the hospital waiting rooms where doctors give families the diagnoses of their loved ones, and just dare people to criticize him for it.
LeBron James, Forward – Cavs
Friday: Write letter to Finals referees wishing them a restful week leading up to the Finals.
Saturday: Write email to Finals referees asking them, in theory, what does ‘traveling” mean ‘to them.”
Sunday: Text Finals referees ‘You Up?”
Monday: Text apology to Finals referees: ‘Sorry, late night last night, haha, we should hang out after the Finals are over. Have you guys ever been to Epcot? It ‘s really cool, Anyway, bleh, I ‘m rambling, just wanted to say I think you guys are cool. Byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye!”
Tuesday: Call Finals referees just wondering what size gold and diamond wristwatch they wear and if they also are sick of everyone always fouling LeBron every time he drives to the basket.
Wednesday: Knock on Finals referees hotel door the night before game 1 and say he ‘s really looking forward to the game tomorrow and that he can ‘t wait for that post-Finals trip to Epcot. ‘I might not be in the mood if we don ‘t win, though. Mmmmmniiiiiiiight!”
Steve Kerr, Head Coach – Warriors
Plans to finally finish ‘The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo” in his den after asking his family to just give daddy an hour or two of alone time. A few chapters in, he won ‘t be able to ignore the shrieks and arguments coming from outside the door and he ‘ll respond by taking his reading glasses off and pinching the bridge of his nose. He ‘ll be a little irritated but he ‘ll quickly remember ‘Well, this is what I signed up for when I became a husband and father.” He ‘ll do the responsible thing; get up and help his daughter with her algebra homework.
David Blatt, Head Coach – Cavs
Plans to pore over game film from the Warriors season, searching for any weaknesses in their up tempo offense and ways to shut down the as yet unstoppable Steph Curry. Once he finally finds a vulnerability, he ‘ll type up a fool-proof winning game plan, print out the 100 page scouting report, delete the file on his computer, then turn off the lights in his office, light a candle, and burn each page as LeBron watches and nods his head saying ‘That ‘s right, basketball is grown man ‘s business” via Google Hangout.
J. R. Smith, Guard – Cavs
Skateboard camp. He accidentally bought some Vans on Zappos.com while trying to buy two actual vans (Zappos ain ‘tjust about shoes anymore!) a month ago and figured now was as good a time as any to get some use out of them.
Kyrie Irving, Guard – Cavs
Plans to lock himself in his office and get to work on that Uncle Drew screenplay he keeps talking about. Working titles include: ‘Gray Hair, Mad Air” ‘Mall Walker, Ball Hawker” and ‘Uncle Drew: Pig in the City”
Andrew Bogut, Center – Warriors
Matthew Dellavedova, Guard – Cavs
Plans to spend the week back home in Australia and get into a little trouble for old time ‘s sake (he was voted ‘number one scamp” in secondary). Maybe steal his neighbor ‘s pet koala? Chuck a sickie into Cavs practice? Or maybe just throw on his togs and down a slab, poolside.
Draymond Green, Forward – Warriors
Will be driving trucks with his uncle. Draymond ‘s uncle is apparently cool with eating junk food and smoking cigarettes, two things Coach Kerr always dings him for during the season.
Kevin Love, Forward – Cavs
Will be modeling for Jack Threads‘ 4th of July campaign. May or may not rejoin NBA.
Klay Thompson, Guard – Warriors
This half of the ‘Splash Brothers” can ‘t wait to get wet and wild in his neighbor ‘s new above-ground pool! Don ‘t tell anyone, but Klay plans to invite a few friends and some hot blondes over to skinny dip while his lame ass neighbor is sleeping.
Luke Walton, Assistant Coach – Warriors
Might take a dip in his above-ground pool but will probably just end up turning in early most nights.