News Diarrhea: This Week’s Top News Stories Shit Out in One Place

The media squeezed out another turdy pile of news this week. We scooped it all into one place, for your viewing pleasure.

Having trouble making sense of the presidential race? We ‘re here for you, baby.

Everything You Need To Know About Every 2016 Presidential Candidate

Author E.L. James recently announced she will be releasing a new version of her salacious novel ’50 Shades Of Grey, ‘ this time from the perspective of the sexually dominant Christian Grey. Here are a few excerpts from the book that show a totally different side of the supposedly confident and mysterious Mr. Grey.

Excerpts From The New ’50 Shades Of Grey ‘ Told From The Man ‘s Perspective

Researchers recently demonstrated that chimpanzees and bonobos have the cognitive ability to cook their food by conducting experiments in which they gave the primates oven-like devices. The new study has already rocketed some of the chimps involved in the study to celebrity chef stardom, and cookbooks like the one below are flying off the shelves.

Primates Can Cook! Chimp Celebrity Chef Cookbooks Hit The Shelves

The NBA Finals started Thursday and they will feature two of the most explosive scorers in the NBA: LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers and Stephen Curry of the Golden State Warriors. In what is sure to be an exciting high scoring series, both stars have a lot of pressure on them to score a lot of points. Because of this pressure, the two sat down together to draft and sign a contract assuring that each player will let the other ‘score a whole bunch.” The actual agreement has been transcribed below.