Wal-Mart Will No Longer Play Celine Dion, Prompting My Cousin To Apply To Be Their In-House DJ

Wal-Mart announced last week that it would free its employees from the shackles of Canada ‘s musical empire and will no longer constantly play Justin Bieber and Celine Dion on loop in their stores. This news met happy applause at last week ‘s annual shareholder ‘s meeting. In one session at the conference it was joked that, ‘associates recently developed a serious eye-tic from hearing Celine Dion ‘s greatest hits.” This was also met by applause and, I ‘m willing to bet, a decent amount of nervous laughter.

The megastore has decided that instead of looping the same CD over and over again, they will hire a DJ in their Fayetteville, AK headquarters to compile a soundtrack that ‘ll broadcast throughout all stores. He or she will choose tunes that hopefully pep the employees up a little bit more and don ‘t drive them too nuts.

Okay, so I don ‘t usually do this, and I apologize in advance, but at dinner the other night I was talking about this whole Wal-Mart DJ thing with my family and it got my cousin Dougie really excited. You see, Dougie is a local DJ and it ‘s been a whole family initiative to try and find him a job so he ‘ll move out of my Aunt Johanna ‘s place. Anyways, Dougie asked if I ‘d post his cover letter to Wal-Mart applying to be their in-house DJ so that he could ‘gain more public support”and spread his message of ‘dope love, doper music” to more fans. Thanks for reading this, guys. I ‘m sorry.

*Editors Note: If for whatever reason you do hire him, he 100% will need to be paid because he has to move out of his mother ‘s house.