Leaked Emails Prove Taylor Swift And Apple In Cahoots

To: Taylor_Daemon@gmail.com
From: eddy.cue@apple.com
Subject: Apple Music Tumblr Post

OK, so it ‘s settled. You write an open letter that is 99% compliments reminding fans that Apple Music is a) launching next week and b) free for three months. Include one tiny criticism that we ‘ll immediately fix and, in return, we ‘ll pay you a million gajillion dollars.

Now I ‘m not a copy editor but if you could include words/phrases like ‘ingenious minds,” ‘legacy based on innovation,” or ‘pioneering,” that would be really great. Just spitballing though!! Words like ‘generous,” ‘best partners,” or ‘astronomically successful” would also be acceptable.

Thank you, Taylor!

To: eddy.cue@apple.com
From: Taylor_Daemon@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Apple Music Tumblr Post

How bout I just use them all!!! That ‘s how excited I am about my million gajillion dollars! Thank you again for inventing that new sum of money for me.

I do have a question though ‘ won ‘t the world think it ‘s weird that this issue is fixed IMMEDIATELY, without a proper board meeting and on a Sunday night??

To: Taylor_Daemon@gmail.com
From: eddy.cue@apple.com
Subject: RE: Apple Music Tumblr Post

Oh people will DEFINITELY not question it! Because you had the same criticism of Spotify ‘that ‘s why we went after you specifically! Plus True Detective is back and I hear it ‘s bad. That ‘s where everyone ‘s main focus is gonna be tonight.

My wrist hurts from all the zeros I just wrote on your check! LOLOLOL.

To: eddy.cue@apple.com
From: Taylor_Daemon@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Apple Music Tumblr Post

SO EXCITED TO CASH IT!!! I ‘m gonna ask for it in singles and then shoot it t-shirt cannon style at the audience in my next show. LOVE. MY. FANS. One of them just moved in with me and she seems great.

Thank you for the new phone, btw!

– sent my from iPhone12,000 –

To: Taylor_Daemon@gmail.com
From: eddy.cue@apple.com
Subject: RE: Apple Music Tumblr Post

NP! The iPhone12000 is our best and tiniest phone yet. But it doesn ‘t go on the market till 2120 so try not to show it off too much.

Just saw that we’re trending on Twitter!! So exciting!

To: eddy.cue@apple.com
From: Taylor_Daemon@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Apple Music Tumblr Post

Oh that ‘s cause I secretly own Twitter! Happy to make it trend! Consider it ‘added value” to our million gajillion dollar secret agreement!!

I sure hope these emails never leak!

PS ‘ Yesterday I donated both my lungs and heart to a fan! He didn ‘t even need them, he just wanted them!

To: Taylor_Daemon@gmail.com
From: eddy.cue@apple.com
Subject: RE: Apple Music Tumblr Post

HAHAH while we ‘re on the subject of saying things we hope don ‘t leak, literally NO ONE at Apple knows what The Cloud is. A few people like … kinda get it? But not entirely.

To: eddy.cue@apple.com
From: Taylor_Daemon@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Apple Music Tumblr Post

OK so I ‘m just about to tweet that you called me and said all artists are getting paid. People are really falling for this!

Hey I just wrote this: ? I don ‘t know about you / But I ‘m feelin Eddie Cue ?

Love writing songs for people! One time a fan asked me to record his outgoing voicemail message but instead I played five sold-out shows in his basement where I incorporated his name into every song in my set!

To: Taylor_Daemon@gmail.com
From: eddy.cue@apple.com
Subject: RE: Apple Music Tumblr Post

You sure do love your fans, Taylor!

OK everyone is reporting on this story and we are BOTH coming out as winners! Awareness for Apple Music is now at 100%. I think this partnership is going to be even more successful than that U2 one we did! (LOLOLLOLOLOLOLO JK JK JK THAT WAS SO BAD!!)

Remember ‘ you PINKY SWORE you would never tell people this was all a PR stunt.

To: eddy.cue@apple.com
From: Taylor_Daemon@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Apple Music Tumblr Post

Oh trust me I ‘m VERY GOOD at keeping PR stunts secret! Just ask my best friend Katy Perry! (LOL Shhhh!!!! IF YOU TELL ANYONE I SWEAR TO GOD!!)

To: Taylor_Daemon@gmail.com
From: eddy.cue@apple.com
Subject: RE: Apple Music Tumblr Post

OMG I KNEW IT!!!!!!!

Look forward to your ‘Swift” reply HAHAHAHAHA

To: eddy.cue@apple.com
From: Taylor_Daemon@gmail.com
Subject: AUTOREPLY RE: Apple Music Tumblr Post

Thank you for your email. I am away from my desk for the next 18 years while I raise a fan’s baby from birth until college (which I also will pay for.) I ‘ll reply to your message when I return.

To: Taylor_Daemon@gmail.com
From: eddy.cue@apple.com
Subject: RE: AUTOREPLY RE: Apple Music Tumblr Post

Oh … OK. I guess we ‘re done here? You sound busy. We ‘ll talk soon. Thank you again, Taylor!