How Trump Plans To Spend The $500 Million He’s Suing For

Donald Trump is suing Univision after the Spanish-language TV network dropped its coverage of Miss USA and Miss Universe in response to Trump ‘s racist comments about Mexican immigrants being rapists. This is what human garbage Donald Trump plans to spend the half billion dollars on if he wins.

• Something nice, just for him; he so rarely thinks about himself
• Snacks for his hair
• A fragrance a little nicer than ‘Success,” that piss he sells as cologne
• Offer to purchase all of Mario Batalli ‘s orange Crocs
• Buy a saw big enough to permanently separate the U.S. and Mexico
• Pay the late fee from that time he rented Carrot Top ‘s Chairman of the Board back in ’99
• Slaves, if he could
• Hire enough actors to attend the remainder of his rallies for his losing presidential campaign
• A dozen new cats to strangle
• Another six months with his ‘wife”
• Ask for it all in singles, rake it into a pile, and then light it on fire in front of poor people
• Cam girls
• 16-ply toilet paper to accommodate being a 6 ‘ 3″ shit stain
• One of those fake ‘Time Man of the Year” magazine covers you can make at carnivals
• Custom merkin to match his wig for tiny, shriveled penis
• Cloning his daughter Ivanka, so he can have a secret one to fuck
• Probably a bunch of tacky garbage that just reaffirms how miserable and hateful he is