By: Ben Wietmarschen
With a new commissioner of baseball in his first year on the job and Pete Rose making a rare MLB-approved appearance at the All Star game this week, reporters are asking virtually everyone they can get a microphone in front of what they think about Pete Rose ‘s possible reinstatement into the game. To get some fresh opinions I had to dig deep, so I rounded up a group of barnyard animals and decided to let them weigh in on the hottest debate in sports.
Ben: OK, first of all thank you, farm animals, for joining me here in the communal area of the barnyard. The muddy ground and strewn-about piles of hay are a surprisingly appropriate setting for sports talk. I ‘m looking forward to getting all your unique insights into the biggest debate in baseball. Just to introduce who we have with us today, to my immediate left is Chicken.
Chicken: Cluck-cluck good to be here.
Ben: And to my immediate right, Cow.
Cow: Mmmoooo. Mmhhmm thanks.
Ben: Yes, welcome Cow. And standing across from me is pig. Hello and welcome.
Pig: Oink-oink SQUEE! SQUEEE!
Ben: Yes yes thank you, pig, we know you have a lot to say. Now, as we ‘re all aware the new commissioner of baseball, Rob Manfred, has yet to decide whether he plans to reinstate Pete Rose back into baseball. Everyone even remotely related to the game of baseball has been voicing their opinions on the subject, now it ‘s your turn. We ‘ll start with you, Cow.
Cow: Mmmmmmmooooo good thank you. Baseball needs to mmmmoooove past Pete Rose. There ‘s mmmooooore pressing issues in the game. I ‘m MMMMOOOOO sick of this MMMOOOO wishy washy bullshit! All due respect to my husband, the Bull. Hi honey!
Bull: [loud and visible exhale from nose]
Ben: Interesting. I ‘ll turn to you now, Chicken. What are your thoughts on Manfred ‘s action, or rather inaction, on the Pete Rose case so far?
Cow: Typical fake outrage from Chicken! Of course she thinks she has all the answers! MMOOOP-dee-do!
Ben: Now now, brown cow. Let Chicken finish.
Chicken: Ahem, as I was saying, buh-GAWK! I think it ‘s important that Manfred take his time and get the decision right. No need to rush to cluck-ment. Ahem, sorry, I mean judgement. I ‘m battling many diseases right now.
Ben: Two opposing viewpoints, Pig would you like to chime in?
Cow: Oh shut up you fucking HOG!
Pig: SQUEE! SQUEE!
Cow: You ‘re disgusting. You probably think we should just whitewash the whole PED thing too! You eat all our scraps in a big uncleaned trough and you don ‘t deserve to be on this panel because you ‘re a filthy HOG!
Pig:Oink-oink-oink, wait, are you ‘ drunk? Is that gin mixed in your feed?
Cow: And so what if I am?! Basheball'sh shupposed to be fffffuun, ‘member?! Hoggy hoggy oink oink! MMMMOOOOO
Ben: Well, um, ahem, can someone please remove Cow?
Cow: Bud Selig laundered money! MMMmmmmMMMmooOOOOoOOO PETE ROSE WAS A SCAPEGOAT!
[Goat walks off]
Ben: OK, sorry about that folks. We now turn to ESPN ‘s Tim Kurkjian, who also lives in this barnyard. Thanks for joining us, Tim.
Tim: Hi Ben, hi Chicken, hi Pig.
Chicken and Pig: Cluck/Oink
Ben: Tim, weigh in here. All these barnyard animals appear to have similar viewpoints as you and your colleagues on the subject of Pete Rose. There just doesn ‘t seem to be a right answer.
Tim: Well, Ben, the thing you have to remember when you ‘re talking about Pete Rose is that he did break the rules and ‘
Donkey: Uh-yuck yuck. Hey ya ‘ll!
Ben: Donkey, welcome! I didn ‘t think you ‘d make it since donkey ‘s aren ‘t exactly considered ‘barnyard” animals. But I was actually thinking earlier, there were donkeys at the manger when Jesus was born and that was kind of like a barnyard. And I ‘m 99% sure I ‘ve seen donkeys eat hay, which is definitely a barnyard thing. Anyway, I ‘m just rambling about what constitutes a barnyard animal now. Donkey, please take a seat and tell us: Do you think Pete Rose belongs in the Baseball Hall of Fame?
Ben: Tim, your thoughts on Donkey ‘s comment?
Tim: They are as valid as anyone else ‘s. By the way, Ben, you know that angry Bull is right behind you. He ‘s been creeping up closer and closer through this whole interview. Bull knows you kicked out his drunk wife and he looks angry.
Ben: AGH! But, hold on, I ‘m not wearing red so ‘ phew!
Tim: The red thing is just a myth ‘ RRRRUUUUUNNNN!
[Bull mangles Ben within an inch of his life]
Tim: This has been Baseball Tonight on ESPN!
Chicken: No it hasn ‘t. This is just a transcribed interview from a barnyard.
Tim: Oops, force of habit.
Pig: Oink-oink SQUEE!
Chicken: Shut up, pig. You ‘re low class.