By: Dan Abramson

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God: The Original King Of Viral

It may have taken just seven days to create the universe, but it ‘s taking God an eternity to fill it with content.

God watches Abraham try to kill Isaac

God: This is great content
Abraham: What ‘s that, God?
God: Nothing, nothing. Keep going. We ‘re gonna get a lotta clicks on this.

God watches Jesus on the cross

God: This is my masterpiece. My ‘Moses After The Dentist.”
Jesus: Did you say something, God? You want me to come down from here? I seem to be bleeding quite a bit.
God: You ‘re doing great. Have to hop on a call with sales in a few, perhaps we can get a sponsor. Fingers crossed.
Jesus: I ‘m in an immense amount of pain here. Maybe I can join too? Get a creative on there to sell the dream?
[God pretends like he had his earbuds in and couldn ‘t hear him]
God: Hmm? Dialing in now. You ‘re doing great. This content will be instantly shareable.

God watches Noah build the ark

God: This whole ship-building thing isn ‘t working. At best, it ‘s something I ‘d keep open in another tab but never get to.
Noah: I ‘m trying my best. Working through the flood.
God: It ‘s just not engaging content. I can ‘t see this getting clicks.
Noah: Won ‘t they appreciate how long it is? 40 days of rain, not to mention the decades of building.
God: Nothing that long gets any viral traction or uniques.
Noah: God, I ‘m worried about the world coming to an end. Not ‘unique visits.”
God: Call it what you want, but your “art” doesn ‘t track well with the branded department. They ‘re the ones who keep the lights on in this universe.
Noah: I dunno, what about the boat? Audiences love huge boats.
God: Huge boats? What the hell are you talking about? You ‘re out of your element here ‘ It needs animals for anyone to care about this.
Noah: Which ones?
God: All of them. Make a list of all the animals and call them the ‘cutest animal couples ever” or some garbage like that. People will be posting this for years.

God films Moses after taking him to the dentist

[Moses writhes around in the backseat, having just woken up from dental surgery]
Moses: Is this real life?
God: That ‘s not really for you to decide but I guarantee that this ‘ll go viral.

Illustrator: Dariel Filomeno

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