A Quick Legality Briefing For Trump’s Lawyer Who Doesn’t Believe Spousal Rape Is An Issue

A spokesman for Donald Trump (we know, we didn ‘t think he had one, either) is staying true to the Trump brand and threatening a reporter at The Daily Beast who wrote that when The Donald was married to his first wife, Ivana Trump, he allegedly raped her.

Michael Cohen, who also works as one of Trump ‘s lawyers, told the publication and author of the article, ‘You ‘re talking about the front-runner for the GOP, presidential candidate, as well as private individual who never raped anybody. And, of course, understand that by the very definition, you can ‘t rape your spouse. ‘

Of course, part of that statement is untrue. No, it isn ‘t that Trump is the front-runner for the GOP, that is astonishingly a real fact. There is nothing in the word “spouse” that cancels out the validation and possibility of rape. Spousal rape is incredibly real.

To clarify, Mr. Cohen, things that are illegal don ‘t magically become legal once you ‘re married. Let us set up a simple scenario for you.

[EXTERIOR- DUSK]

You are in the driveway of the home you share with your spouse. They are inside cooking you dinner, wondering where you are. As you stare at them through the large bay windows, you take out a large sledgehammer from your messenger bag.

YOU (seemingly to no one): I ‘m going to demolish my spouse ‘s car with this sledgehammer.

You proceed to destroy your spouse ‘s car. Your spouse hears the commotion going on in the driveway and rushes outside.

YOUR SPOUSE: What ‘re you doing? That is my car and the title of that car is under my name. Just because we are married does not mean you can violate my property. You do not have that right. You can only do that if I expressly say it is OK.

[END SCENE]

That makes sense, right? OK, Mr. Cohen, we ‘re now going to ask you to expand your mind, far beyond the reaches of the toupee you probably have. Now, imagine that instead of violating a car or piece of property, what is violated is a spouse ‘s body. This task is also going to require you understanding that a women ‘s body (as well as a man ‘s!) has value and deserves respect.

Think about this. Let it really stir around in your head and maybe send a follow-up apology email to The Daily Beast acknowledging that spousal rape is a real thing. Also, consider convincing Donald Trump to not run for president.