By: News

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It’s So Hot Out It’s All We’re Legally Allowed To Talk About

It ‘s hot. It ‘s hot where you are. It ‘s hot where we are. The entire country is hot and for the foreseeable future,it will remain hot. But don ‘t be fooled, because it is not just hot. No, it is also humid. It is so humid you pushed people out of the way walking onto public transportation this morning only to realize you weren ‘t pushing people, but literally just clawing through the thick air.

With heat and humidity at unbearably high levels comes changes. Some are more subtle; you ‘ll be more tired and your mood crankier. But some changes are forthright and purposeful. The biggest one is that when the weather is this hot, we are required by law to talk about it and nothing else.

It might seem like a hefty decree and you may be wondering, ‘just how much can I actually talk about this heat?” You ‘ll be surprised to learn that it ‘s actually all you ‘ve been talking about to anyone, already.

What did you say the second you stepped out of your house? It was, ‘fuck this weather.”

What was the first thing everyone in your office said when they entered? They all said, without fail, ‘this heat makes me want to die.”

See? You ‘re already dutifully following the law. Plus there is some flexibility in only talking about the weather and how much it fucking sucks. You can talk about swamp-ass, the feeling you get when you wear anything on your butt in this heat. You may also discuss rashes and joint pain caused by your body ‘s rejection of the outside temperature. If it ‘s a direct result of this stupid, shitty, devil weather, you get to complain about it.

On the chance that someone breaks the new mandate, and mentions, say, a movie they ‘re excited to see, you ‘re legally obligated to steer the conversation to due course and say, that ‘ll be a nice break from the hellscape we are experiencing. ‘

Another very effective option is being completely silent and staring at them through the undulating heat waves, wondering if what you are living through is technically considered mental and physical torture, causing both of you to trap yourself in a mind-prison, which, mind you, has no working air conditioning. This must continue until one of you faints.

Then, you get to discuss the drama of that for as long as you want! Stay cool out there, folks!

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