By: Dan Abramson

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Oh No! I Left Tom Cruise In A Hot Parked Car!

Oh no. I ‘m stuck in line at the bank cashing the many checks that come from being Tom Cruise ‘s agent and I realized I left my main man Tom in the car. In the sun!

And he ‘s even got his little leather jacket on!

Someone please help! Tom Cruise is in the backseat of my car and I forgot to roll the windows down! He ‘s been wearing his Ray-Bans all day so he may not even know the sun is up! And with the heat rising, his little heart and lungs will be sent into overdrive!

From my spot inside, I can see out the window of the bank and it ‘s hard to make out how he ‘s doing and OH NO!! He ‘s miming riding a motorcycle! Tom, NO! YOU ‘LL OVERHEAT!!!

OK, calm down. He ‘ll be OK. He ‘s Tom Cruise, after all. He ‘s been doing his own stunts for years. He hung on a flying airplane for Mission: Impossible Rogue Nation, for crying out loud; he can handle a little heat. Wait, what ‘s he doing now? Oh my god he ‘s looking at his reflection in the rearview mirror and making finger-gun motions and laughing!! Tom slow down you ‘ll never make it!!

Shit shit shit shit. What do I do? I can ‘t get out of line and get back to him. Daddy needs his sweet sweet fees. Though those fees will never come again if I don ‘t get him out of there. He ‘s got a pitch meeting for Mission: Impossible 6 Cognizant Zero this afternoon and his whole presentation was him hanging out of a helicopter and high-fiving ‘cloud men.” He ‘ll never make it!

How did we even get here? Sure, yeah, I left Tom Cruise in a parked car on a hot day with the windows rolled up. But old Tom Cruise would have been able to handle this. These days, he ‘s so conditioned to just do what his handlers tell him. For years, we ‘ve just been pointing his little body in the direction he needs to walk in and giving him a little nudge. And now he ‘s burning alive in a car. He doesn ‘t even know to be scared. He doesn ‘t even know his life ‘s in danger right now.

Tom I ‘m coming. Tom I ‘ll be back soon.


I ‘m sorry I left you in that hot, parked car.

Wait, is that? It couldn ‘t be. It is. It is! I see Tom walking away from the blast, unscathed. He ‘s fine! He ‘s taking off his shades and laughing at nothing in particular!

That ‘s my Tom!! Wait, hold on, Hollywood ‘s calling. Hello, Hollywood? Why yes, we would like to make 10 more Mission Impossibles!!

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