By: News

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Funny Or Die Fact-Checks The 2016 Republican Debates

There were many bold claims made by the GOP candidates during last night ‘s Republican debate on Fox News, and our fact-checking team has worked through the night to determine their validity. Here are their findings:

  • Businessman Donald Trump said his net worth is $10 billion but, as happens at least five times a week, he was confusing himself with Scrooge McDuck.
  • Marco Rubio denied having said that he supports abortion in certain instances when the record clearly shows that Rubio performed over a dozen illegal abortions already in 2015.
  • Kasich claimed to have balanced Ohio ‘s budget and created 330,000 new jobs when in fact no one in Ohio knows who he is or has ever heard of him.
  • Former Virginia governor Jim Gilmore said he warned the government about the 9/11 attacks before they happened in his capacity as chairman of the National Commission on Homeland Security and Terrorism. In fact, Gilmore was quoted as saying in early 2001, ‘The Twin Towers will never come down ‘ I ‘d like to see someone try to blow them up, maybe by flying planes into them. You hear me, terrorists? I ‘d love it if you tried to knock down the World Trade Center with some jets! Try it, you cowards.”
  • Florida Sen. Marco Rubio said that ‘over 40% of small and mid-size banks ‘ have been wiped out.” He was actually referring to sperm banks ‘ and it ‘s not so much they ‘ve been wiped out as they just don ‘t want any of his small-minded jizz.
  • Chris Christie claimed he never raised taxes in New Jersey, but what he didn ‘t mention is that he TRIED to raise taxes on e-cigarettes but failed after other lawmakers did so many dope vape tricks that the whole state was forced to adopt the vape life.
  • Jeb Bush claimed that we need to replace Obamacare with something that won ‘t ‘suppress wages and kill jobs.” What he meant to say is he ‘d like to replace it with something that would “suppress poor people and then kill them.”
  • Bush claimed that, while he was governor, graduation rates in Florida ‘improved by 50%,” failing to mention that the increase was from 2% to 3%.
  • When asked about his history of disparaging comments about women ‘s looks, Donald Trump said he doesn ‘t ‘frankly have time for total political correctness, ‘ but studies show that if he cut down on his time on the toilet he ‘d definitely free up some room in his schedule.
  • Jeb Bush claimed in regards to the U.S. achieving 4% economic growth that “We can do this” when in actuality fuck you Jeb Bush you can ‘t tell me what to do.
  • At one point in the debate it looked like Mike Huckabee said the purpose of military is ‘to kill people and break things,” but that had to have been an unattended six-year-old problem child that wandered onto the stage and not an adult former governor.

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