By: Ben Wietmarschen

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Give Me A Chance: I ‘d Love To Eat Horse

Give me one chance to eat this horse

I know you don ‘t want me to. You want me to eat cow or pig, lamb, duck, or any of a number of different sea creatures, but dammit, you GOTTA give me a chance, man! I ‘d really love to eat horse.

I don ‘t understand why there are limitations like this on what meat to eat anyway. Let me eat horse! It might help. I ‘m sick. Slow, weak, and sweaty as an eel. Horses are lean, powerful, and strong. With long beautiful hair. I want some ‘a that in me! Let me eat horse, dude. Don ‘t be an asshole.

And honestly this isn ‘t just for me. The planet is starving and we have plenty of horse. Horse for days, I ‘d say. I see horse meat all over the place as I drive through this great nation. On the side of the road, horses grazing, galloping, and gobbling up salt licks with so many slurps. I have trouble looking at these horses and not thinking about chopping off some of that rippling meat and feeding my family. That ‘s right I have a family. I ‘m not some horse hungry loon that sleeps in trash cans. I want horse meat, please let me eat horse.

Would I eventually move on to donkey? Of course not don ‘t be a dick. Donkeys are gross. Sorry if you like donkeys but it ‘s true. They ‘re dirty and dumb. I ‘m not sure why but I imagine donkey meat has hair INSIDE of it. Will eating horse eventually lead others to eat donkey? I don ‘t know, maybe? Rest assured though, I won ‘t, so please, give me a chance, I ‘d love to eat horse.

Here are some horses:

I ‘d love to eat this pretty animal. Don ‘t let those piercing eyes and noble strut fool you, that ‘s just a moving sack of 150 or so pounds of perfectly edible horse meat. More than enough to fill up my freezer. Let me eat this horse!

Ooh, what do we have here? A blonde! If you know me you know I love blondes. Can ‘t help but also see the rippling flesh underneath, though. And the regal gait? Icing on the cake. Give me one chance and I ‘d eat this horse for sure.

Feels like this is a British horse. No matter. I ‘m happy to go overseas if that ‘s what it takes to try a nibble of this glorious beast ‘s lean bronco beef.

Uh-oh, something tells me this bucking bronco won ‘t give up her meat lying down. Which is perfectly understandable! Don ‘t get me wrong, I love these horses, they ‘re great! I just want to try their meat.

A moonlight picnic of wine, cheese, and salted horse meat is how I ‘d love to propose marriage to my girlfriend of 18 years. I said I wouldn ‘t buy a ring until they let me eat horse meat. You are responsible for Sandra being 48 and still single.

In closing, all I ‘m asking for is one chance. I ‘m just one boy standing in front of The Chosen Horsekeeper, Lord of the Horse. Asking to eat horse. I ‘d love to try it.

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