27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #16

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby's room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

‘ one of ur hoes (@miliondollameat) January 6, 2016

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don't know anything about it

‘ Jason Horton (@Jason_Horton) March 10, 2015

The “Things Q-Tips Can Do” section on the box is kinda messed up. pic.twitter.com/tJX3GwjHN9

‘ pat tobin (@tastefactory) January 2, 2016

Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.

‘ Michael (@Home_Halfway) December 28, 2015

Doctor, it hurts when I go like this: *exists*

‘ Pete Mandik (@petemandik) March 16, 2015

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that'll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

‘ elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) January 2, 2016

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren't here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

‘ chuuch (@ch000ch) January 6, 2016

I'll always regret how I left things with my son before he passed away. If only I could take back my last words to him. “Hi dying, I'm Dad”

‘ tater tot bros (@thetits) January 6, 2016

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it's occupied

‘ Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) April 28, 2015

Just watched some weirdo through the crack in the bathroom stall take a shit and then stand up to go pee.

‘ Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) January 8, 2016

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.

‘ Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) December 31, 2015

He-Man: You really think you can get away with this?
Skeletor: Read my lips
He-Man: um
Skeletor: It's an expression you bone head
He-Man: um

‘ Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 8, 2016

Waiter: would u like to see the dessert menu
Me: no, I know what I want
Date [whispers]: they won't have McFlurrys
Me: bring the fucken menu

‘ David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 8, 2016

It's like ten thousand spoons when all I need is for you to shut the fuck up

‘ batkaren (@batkaren) January 8, 2016

CLOUD: wow im honored, no one ever flies up here to visit me up in the sky
HELICOPTER: well im a gigantic fan

‘ jomny sun (@jonnysun) January 7, 2016

4 THINGS YOU MUST DO WHILE VISITING CHICAGO

1) buy wind
2) look at hot dog
3) use blues guitar to measure deep dish
4) “the bears” from SNL

‘ The Best Comedian In Chicago (@alexcollyard) January 5, 2016

*Dogs on coffee break*

Dog 1: Heard a great joke.

Dog 2: Oh yeah?

Dog 1: Knock kn-

*Dog 2 goes fuckin' nuts*

‘ Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) March 10, 2015

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

‘ the hippo account (@InternetHippo) April 6, 2015

If I were Jerry Seinfeld I'd invite Bill Cosby on Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee and show up to his house in a cop car.

‘ Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) January 2, 2016

I hate when people complain about fake problems, but sometimes it's really hard to decide what you want for second lunch

‘ Michelle Markowitz (@michmarkowitz) January 8, 2016

Henry david thoreau definitely fucked that pond

‘ Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) January 8, 2016