By: Funny Or Die
Art, much like sports, is all about winning. That ‘s why award shows are so important. After a contest like last night ‘s Golden Globes, it ‘s great to hear what all these top-notch competitors have to say about what went down out there on the playing field. With the first round of award season behind us, we look ahead at who might win it all in the championships later this season.
We did what we were trying to do today, but this is just one step on the way to the big game. They said my name, I took the trophy, I walked offstage and threw it in the biggest filthiest garbage can I could find. Oscars or bust. We gotta focus and take care of business on February 28th.
‘ Leo DiCaprio
Injuries happen. It ‘s, like ‘ whatever. I ‘m getting old. I ‘m sore all over. I don ‘t know what else to say, I won ‘t be back next year.
‘ Harrison Ford
I really wasn ‘t expecting to get any playing time tonight. But we ‘re professionals and you have to be ready when the coach calls your name. You step out onto the floor and you step up.
‘ Rachel Bloom
I didn ‘t think Tom Hanks could 360 windmill dunk like that. Anyway, it ‘s an honor to win the Cecil B. DeMille Award from the Hollywood Foreign Press. Thanks.
‘ Denzel Washington
I ‘m the captain. My celebrities look up to me to be a leader out there. It ‘s up to me to be better. I ‘m the one with the ball in my hands. Please don ‘t blame ‘Mozart in the Jungle ‘ for tonight ‘s outcome.
‘ Ricky Gervais
It ‘s nice to get that first win under my belt, but tonight was by no means perfect. I ‘ll take tomorrow off, celebrate this victory, but Tuesday morning I ‘ll be watching the game tape, trying to see how I can improve for next month.
‘ Brie Larson
It ‘s always nice to end your career on a win.
‘ Jon Hamm
Listen bro. I ‘m gonna go out there and take care of business. You come at me with that weak ass phone shit in an interview? I ‘m gonna knock your ass down every time. It ‘s about having a winning mentality. Compassion, sensitivity, empathy – these are attributes that artists can ‘t afford to have.
‘ Jennifer Lawrence
I got jobbed. I know I ‘m not supposed to say that and I ‘ll probably get fined, but fuck it, are they blind? What it comes down to is they don ‘t see Julia on the screen, they see Elaine. They have preconceived notions of Elaine and they snub Elaine, not Julia!
‘ Julia Louis-Dreyfus
You can ‘t think about where you ‘ve failed, I ‘m already looking toward the next big hit. That ‘s the difference between champions and losers.
‘ Amy Schumer
We ‘re always going to have haters, so here ‘s to all my haters! I ‘ll send you cookies, thanks.*
‘ Taraji P. Henson
It ‘s too easy competing against all you concussed, brain-damaged Americans.
‘ Alejandro Gonz ‘lez I ‘ ‘rritu
Everyone counted us out on paper. A message for all the kids out there who want to grow up and create a series for Amazon Prime: Never quit! Keep coming up with pilot pitch presentations! This could be you! WOOOO this feels so good!”
‘ Whoever the person is who created 'Mozart in the Jungle'
Hey look at my adorable daughter. Look at her! For you see I am like the Steph Curry of acting. I am so good at acting and I look beautiful doing it and everyone loves me. If Steph Curry was Star Wars he would be me. You know?
‘ Oscar Isaac
No, I don ‘t think that the concussion I ‘ve had for the past thirty years affected my play tonight.
‘ Sylvester Stallone
*This is something Henson actually said, but we thought it worked well in this list so we included it verbatim!