By: Funny Or Die
While we ‘re away, these tweets will need to be fed, walked, and given adequate play time. Thanks again!
“Loving this concept.” – God designing dogs
‘ braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) January 21, 2015
Just saw a well groomed dog and said “I need to get a haircut.”
‘ shelby fero (@shelbyfero) January 10, 2016
is it true that you’ve been a very good boy pic.twitter.com/nU9jXDD5vg
‘ miley sinus (@allstn) September 6, 2015
I told your dog he was a bad boy while you were in the bathroom.
‘ rob delaney (@robdelaney) January 11, 2015
Received an email from my dog’s daycare saying he was “shy at first” but “became dominant in the form of humping” and honestly, same.
‘ Gabriella Paiella (@GMPaiella) January 11, 2016
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
‘ vineyille (@vineyille) January 10, 2016
Seriously questioning this dog's DJ skills. pic.twitter.com/AmH76UNwmH
‘ Maggie Serota (@maggieserota) January 2, 2016
DOG: I think that job interview went well!
*looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a
‘ Ray (@SirEviscerate) May 20, 2015
I'm sorry I used your dog as a reference.
‘ MerGyver (@HoneyWooWoo) January 23, 2015
DOG COP: [walks past car]
[sees own reflection in window]
Sir you can't park here
Don't copy me
HE'S GOT A GUN
‘ Joe West (@joejwest) February 12, 2015
I’ve created such a rich narrative for my dogs
‘ larry mcdonalds (@laceymicallef) August 2, 2015
I feel like dogs named “Chance” are douchebags.
‘ Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) March 4, 2015
Just met an adult named Cody who wasn't a golden retriever
‘ Nikki (@TurboGrandma) January 25, 2013
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I'll keep that in mind” and walk off
‘ Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 2, 2014
I only work out so I'm strong enough to hold every breed of dog like a baby.
‘ Mike Primavera (@primawesome) August 10, 2015
I get yelled at for riling up dogs about six times a year.
‘ John Howell Harris (@jhowellharris) June 27, 2015
‘ j.r. hennessy (@jrhennessy) January 28, 2015
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
‘ Noodles (@Dawn_M_) January 6, 2016
There should be a law that if you have a cute dog you don't have to go to work.
‘ Christine Nangle (@nanglish) April 16, 2015
how did man beat dogs in the chain of command. they can do nothing all day on their own and i have to get on my phone if the atm is too slow
‘ demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) September 26, 2015
Once I made sushi for my dogs pic.twitter.com/1cdrJkxKcd
‘ Marlo Meekins (@MarloMeekins) May 28, 2015
Reason For Annullment: – Hadn’t heard the voice they use to talk to dogs
‘ Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) May 10, 2015
MY DOGS DONT KNOW OR CARE WHAT MY NAME IS
‘ jenny slate (@jennyslate) February 24, 2015
When I am at the dog park I like to pretend its a business meeting gone horribly wrong.
‘ John Mulaney (@mulaney) May 5, 2015
Get a firsthand look at Ghislaine Maxwell in prison. Orange is the new Ghislaine. She ‘s just your average quirky girl next door who loves her pet rats, hanging out with her bunk mates, and sell glasses on etsy made out of her own tears.
Featuring Performers from Newsies, The Book of Mormon, FOX ‘s The Following, and more. See it LIVE: http://popfilter.tv/trumpmusical
Lots of things can keep you from getting to a meeting on time. Most of them you probably shouldn’t share on a conference call.