By: Funny Or Die
While we ‘re away, these tweets will need to be fed, walked, and given adequate play time. Thanks again!
“Loving this concept.” – God designing dogs
‘ braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) January 21, 2015
Just saw a well groomed dog and said “I need to get a haircut.”
‘ shelby fero (@shelbyfero) January 10, 2016
is it true that you’ve been a very good boy pic.twitter.com/nU9jXDD5vg
‘ miley sinus (@allstn) September 6, 2015
I told your dog he was a bad boy while you were in the bathroom.
‘ rob delaney (@robdelaney) January 11, 2015
Received an email from my dog’s daycare saying he was “shy at first” but “became dominant in the form of humping” and honestly, same.
‘ Gabriella Paiella (@GMPaiella) January 11, 2016
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
‘ vineyille (@vineyille) January 10, 2016
Seriously questioning this dog's DJ skills. pic.twitter.com/AmH76UNwmH
‘ Maggie Serota (@maggieserota) January 2, 2016
DOG: I think that job interview went well!
*looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a
‘ Ray (@SirEviscerate) May 20, 2015
I'm sorry I used your dog as a reference.
‘ MerGyver (@HoneyWooWoo) January 23, 2015
DOG COP: [walks past car]
[sees own reflection in window]
Sir you can't park here
Don't copy me
HE'S GOT A GUN
‘ Joe West (@joejwest) February 12, 2015
I’ve created such a rich narrative for my dogs
‘ larry mcdonalds (@laceymicallef) August 2, 2015
I feel like dogs named “Chance” are douchebags.
‘ Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) March 4, 2015
Just met an adult named Cody who wasn't a golden retriever
‘ Nikki (@TurboGrandma) January 25, 2013
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I'll keep that in mind” and walk off
‘ Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 2, 2014
I only work out so I'm strong enough to hold every breed of dog like a baby.
‘ Mike Primavera (@primawesome) August 10, 2015
I get yelled at for riling up dogs about six times a year.
‘ John Howell Harris (@jhowellharris) June 27, 2015
‘ j.r. hennessy (@jrhennessy) January 28, 2015
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
‘ Noodles (@Dawn_M_) January 6, 2016
There should be a law that if you have a cute dog you don't have to go to work.
‘ Christine Nangle (@nanglish) April 16, 2015
how did man beat dogs in the chain of command. they can do nothing all day on their own and i have to get on my phone if the atm is too slow
‘ demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) September 26, 2015
Once I made sushi for my dogs pic.twitter.com/1cdrJkxKcd
‘ Marlo Meekins (@MarloMeekins) May 28, 2015
Reason For Annullment: – Hadn’t heard the voice they use to talk to dogs
‘ Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) May 10, 2015
MY DOGS DONT KNOW OR CARE WHAT MY NAME IS
‘ jenny slate (@jennyslate) February 24, 2015
When I am at the dog park I like to pretend its a business meeting gone horribly wrong.
‘ John Mulaney (@mulaney) May 5, 2015
U don't even need a dog to go to the dog park. U can just go & play w/ the dogs and if someone asks which one's yours u can say “haha, yeah”
‘ Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) March 27, 2015
duhhhrrrr I’m a plant! haha dogs pic.twitter.com/BZ8TmmXkRi
‘ Lisa Hanawalt (@lisadraws) August 22, 2015