We’re Never Going To See Obama Ollie And It’s All Kim Davis’s Fault

Sources have confirmed that Kim Davis, the Kentucky county clerk who refused to issue same-sex marriage licenses, will be attending President Obama ‘s State of the Union tonight.

There is no way this is going to be a cool SOTU, now. We all were looking forward to Obama really letting loose tonight and just enjoying this year long coast out of the White House. He even said he was going to do something different! What could that have meant?! An ollie?!? Probably.

Well, we ‘ll never know now because queen of the narcs and no-fun gay weddings, Kim Davis is going to be there scowling in the audience just giving off bad vibes. Obama won ‘t waste whatever cool thing we was going to do while she is there. How can he properly instate his Hakuna Matata lifestyle (save gun violence and Guantanamo Bay) when Davis will probably be coughing “gay” under everything he says? That, or sobbing loudly to her own personal recording of Eye Of The Tiger.

Point is, there ‘s going to be a narc in the audience tonight, and she ‘s gonna kill the mood. It ‘s like your least favorite teacher showing up to your graduation party. It ‘s like a county clerk saying you can ‘t marry the love of your life. It ‘s gonna be Kim Davis telling Obama he can ‘t ollie for the nation.