What The 81 Beached Whales Could Be Trying To Tell Us

This past Tuesday on a southern beach in India, 81 short-finned pilot whales beached themselves and at least 45 died. It ‘s pretty clear these whales are trying to tell us something. The question is, what? Here are some guesses.

• It ‘s cold.
• Stop picking on Sea World. We like the celebrity.
• “A Whale” should not be a derogatory term for a fat person.
• Why does everyone want to swim with dolphins? We ‘re just as majestic, see?
• Make Free Willy 5 and make it now.
• SHARK!!!!!!!
• Change the name of our breathing organ to something other than “blow hole.” It ‘s embarrassing to say.
• The ocean is a dark, slimy place. Stop going to it for vacation.
• The term “having a whale of a time” should be used more widely.
• People can ‘t live inside whales. Change The Bible.
• Human women should not be shamed if their “whale tail” is showing. They should be praised.
• We think we whales would be good at volleyball.
• There ‘s nothing funny about sperm whales. Stop laughing.
• Fudgy the Whale should look more realistic.
• Killer Whales aren ‘t the only cool, photogenic whales. Short-finned pilot whales are very cool and can basically jump just as high.
• Moby Dick is racist.
• You think listening to our sounds on CD is relaxing? Wait till you meet us in person!
• The waves are too rough today.
• We would like to see the inside of a beach resort.
• We ‘ve heard of these “sand castles” you ‘ve been making and we ‘ve come to take them as our own.
• What the hell is “wail?” The only word should be whale.
• People can ‘t live inside whales. Change Pinocchio.