By: Clara Morris

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What The 81 Beached Whales Could Be Trying To Tell Us

This past Tuesday on a southern beach in India, 81 short-finned pilot whales beached themselves and at least 45 died. It ‘s pretty clear these whales are trying to tell us something. The question is, what? Here are some guesses.

  • It ‘s cold.
  • Stop picking on Sea World. We like the celebrity.
  • “A Whale” should not be a derogatory term for a fat person.
  • Why does everyone want to swim with dolphins? We ‘re just as majestic, see?
  • Make Free Willy 5 and make it now.
  • SHARK!!!!!!!
  • Change the name of our breathing organ to something other than “blow hole.” It ‘s embarrassing to say.
  • The ocean is a dark, slimy place. Stop going to it for vacation.
  • The term “having a whale of a time” should be used more widely.
  • People can ‘t live inside whales. Change The Bible.
  • Human women should not be shamed if their “whale tail” is showing. They should be praised.
  • We think we whales would be good at volleyball.
  • There ‘s nothing funny about sperm whales. Stop laughing.
  • Fudgy the Whale should look more realistic.
  • Killer Whales aren ‘t the only cool, photogenic whales. Short-finned pilot whales are very cool and can basically jump just as high.
  • Moby Dick is racist.
  • You think listening to our sounds on CD is relaxing? Wait till you meet us in person!
  • The waves are too rough today.
  • We would like to see the inside of a beach resort.
  • We ‘ve heard of these “sand castles” you ‘ve been making and we ‘ve come to take them as our own.
  • What the hell is “wail?” The only word should be whale.
  • People can ‘t live inside whales. Change Pinocchio.

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