By: Hi, I'm a White Person!

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White Person Op-Ed: Why The Fuck Wasn ‘t ‘Hamilton’ Nominated For An Oscar?!

Ummm ‘ okayyyyyy you guys ‘

So, like all of you, I watched the Oscar nominations this morning fully expecting a clean sweep for the greatest piece of art ever made, Hamilton on Broadway. It ‘s the single most important creation on Planet Earth including the internet and, no offense but, if you haven ‘t seen it you ‘re a garbage person who doesn ‘t deserve to live.

But then, as I was watching, a crazy thing happened. Categories were listed and not a whisper of Hamilton could be heard anywhere at the Samuel Goldwyn Theater. Best Short Film was announced ‘ no Hamilton. Best Supporting Actress ‘ no Hamilton. Best PICTURE ‘no Hamilton. Surely, there was some mistake.

When I called 911, they gave me the typical police runaround of like “Hamilton ‘s not a movie, it ‘s not eligible for an Oscar ‘ How could Hamilton be a Supporting Actress? That doesn ‘t even make sense ‘ This does not constitute an emergency ‘ blah blah blah whatever.” Basically ANYTHING to get me off the phone so they could avoid doing their job. Honestly, the laziness of some people can be SO frustrating.

For the next four hours I hit refresh on my email waiting on word from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Like, “Oh whoops when we said The Revenant we MEANT to say Hamilton. Same with when we said Brie Larson.” ‘ something like that. But that email never came. In fact, the ONLY email I got during that time was from my boss being like, “Jonathon, why haven ‘t you come into work today?” CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT?! I was like, “Um, I assumed because of this morning ‘s attack on America, we would have the day off? Are the subways even running right now?” (He informed me that, yes, they were running and I ‘d better get on one immediately.)

But, guys, HOW is Hamilton been so ignored this awards season?! The Teen Choice Awards, The ESPYS, the MTV VMAs ‘ NONE OF THEM willing to recognize the musical that has changed the lives of myself and every other white person in New York. (Which, not to sound racist or whatever, but white people in New York are THE BEST PEOPLE!!! WHEN ARE OUR VOICES GOING TO BE HEARD?!) Plus, look at all the folks who DID get nominated this year?! CLEARLY, the AMPAS is aware of white folks!

The one (VERY THIN) silver lining is that Hamilton creator Lin-Manuel Miranda is actually handling this egregious injustice with total grace. In fact, he told me himself “@WhiteJonathon, I actually had no expectations of being nominated because Hamilton is not a movie. Please stop tweeting me.” Wow. Talk about a class act. Y ‘all could learn a lesson from this brave man.

So fucking enjoy the Oscars when they air on Sunday, February 28th. Have fun rooting for all the nominees who are “actually movies and eligible for this award show.” Ugh. Me, I ‘ll be at the Richard Rodgers Theater watching some REAL stars. (Or at least standing in the lottery line ‘ seriously these tickets are hard af to get.)

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