27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #17

Where are all the campaigns to lower awareness? There's some stuff we all know too much about.

‘ Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) January 9, 2016

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It's gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.

‘ Amish PornStar ‘ (@AmishPornStar1) August 30, 2015

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DENTIST: count backwards from 10 for me
NASA ANNOUNCER GUY: everywhere with this bullshit

‘ Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) January 11, 2016

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[dentist’s office, shirtless wearing gold chains and parachute pants] “Yes I floss regularly.”

‘ Creed (@novicefather) December 31, 2015

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[speed date]

her: biggest regret? never going after my dreams. you?
me: not being a beiber fan sooner
her:
me:
her: damn thats a good one

‘ EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) January 11, 2016

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[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I'm a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

‘ Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) January 15, 2016

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So addicted to this show pic.twitter.com/f4CYirTJvW

‘ Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) January 9, 2016

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If wrestling is fake why didn’t my nephew get up for ten minutes after I piledrivered him into a table?

‘ Bea_ker (@bea_ker) January 13, 2016

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“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

‘ Grampa Fish Ape (@TheDeadfishSays) November 20, 2014

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Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it's day off.

‘ Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) January 15, 2016

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ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can ‘t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

‘ Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) January 15, 2016

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Bread bowls: just keep eating until you hit table.

‘ Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) January 14, 2016

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I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

‘ vineyille (@vineyille) January 13, 2016

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I'm NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

‘ Alyssa Stonoha (@astonoha) January 13, 2016

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[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

‘ audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) January 12, 2016

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Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

‘ DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) August 16, 2015

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[gazes up at moons]
[that's right in this tweet there's several moons]
[girl kisses me]
[that's right in this tweet I am not human garbage]

‘ Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) January 15, 2016

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[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He's lying.

‘ Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) January 15, 2016

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Basically, I'm only good at two things: knowing what I'm good at and telling people how many things I'm good at.

‘ Ryan Thompson (@RyanThmpsn) March 7, 2014

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Sneaky? Dude, I got two handfuls of soup into a movie theater once.

‘ Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) January 11, 2016

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Me: I've given up my day job to paint portraits of hip hop stars.
Wife: That's ludicrous!
Me: That's supposed to be Jay-Z. Need to practice.

‘ Ian Sausage (@stephenjmolloy) May 21, 2015

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This old lady's photo is stuck on my screen and she's been looking at me while I'm on the Internet all day pic.twitter.com/Y9VFuMj9Vk

‘ Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) January 9, 2016

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When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

‘ Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) January 2, 2016

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When visiting people, ask if you should bring anything and if they say “just bring yourself”, show up with a life size cardboard cutout.

‘ elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) January 11, 2016

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The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain't good.

‘ JP Lovecraft (@online_shawn) August 2, 2014