27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #17

Where are all the campaigns to lower awareness? There's some stuff we all know too much about.

‘ Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) January 9, 2016

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It's gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.

‘ Amish PornStar ‘ (@AmishPornStar1) August 30, 2015

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DENTIST: count backwards from 10 for me
NASA ANNOUNCER GUY: everywhere with this bullshit

‘ Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) January 11, 2016

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[dentist’s office, shirtless wearing gold chains and parachute pants] “Yes I floss regularly.”

‘ Creed (@novicefather) December 31, 2015

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[speed date]

her: biggest regret? never going after my dreams. you?
me: not being a beiber fan sooner
her:
me:
her: damn thats a good one

‘ EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) January 11, 2016

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[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I'm a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

‘ Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) January 15, 2016

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So addicted to this show pic.twitter.com/f4CYirTJvW

‘ Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) January 9, 2016

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If wrestling is fake why didn’t my nephew get up for ten minutes after I piledrivered him into a table?

‘ Bea_ker (@bea_ker) January 13, 2016

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“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

‘ Grampa Fish Ape (@TheDeadfishSays) November 20, 2014