By: Jason Flowers
This week ‘s tweets are dumb, but they could definitely stand to be dumber.
Where are all the campaigns to lower awareness? There's some stuff we all know too much about.
‘ Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) January 9, 2016
It's gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
‘ Amish PornStar ‘ (@AmishPornStar1) August 30, 2015
DENTIST: count backwards from 10 for me
NASA ANNOUNCER GUY: everywhere with this bullshit
‘ Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) January 11, 2016
[dentist’s office, shirtless wearing gold chains and parachute pants] “Yes I floss regularly.”
‘ Creed (@novicefather) December 31, 2015
her: biggest regret? never going after my dreams. you?
me: not being a beiber fan sooner
her: damn thats a good one
‘ EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) January 11, 2016
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I'm a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
‘ Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) January 15, 2016
So addicted to this show pic.twitter.com/f4CYirTJvW
‘ Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) January 9, 2016
If wrestling is fake why didn’t my nephew get up for ten minutes after I piledrivered him into a table?
‘ Bea_ker (@bea_ker) January 13, 2016
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
‘ Grampa Fish Ape (@TheDeadfishSays) November 20, 2014
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it's day off.
‘ Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) January 15, 2016
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can ‘t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
‘ Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) January 15, 2016
Bread bowls: just keep eating until you hit table.
‘ Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) January 14, 2016
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
‘ vineyille (@vineyille) January 13, 2016
I'm NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
‘ Alyssa Stonoha (@astonoha) January 13, 2016
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
‘ audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) January 12, 2016
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
‘ DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) August 16, 2015
[gazes up at moons]
[that's right in this tweet there's several moons]
[girl kisses me]
[that's right in this tweet I am not human garbage]
‘ Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) January 15, 2016
[kisses daughter goodnight]
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He's lying.
‘ Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) January 15, 2016
Basically, I'm only good at two things: knowing what I'm good at and telling people how many things I'm good at.
‘ Ryan Thompson (@RyanThmpsn) March 7, 2014
Sneaky? Dude, I got two handfuls of soup into a movie theater once.
‘ Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) January 11, 2016
Me: I've given up my day job to paint portraits of hip hop stars.
Wife: That's ludicrous!
Me: That's supposed to be Jay-Z. Need to practice.
‘ Ian Sausage (@stephenjmolloy) May 21, 2015
This old lady's photo is stuck on my screen and she's been looking at me while I'm on the Internet all day pic.twitter.com/Y9VFuMj9Vk
‘ Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) January 9, 2016
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
‘ Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) January 2, 2016
When visiting people, ask if you should bring anything and if they say “just bring yourself”, show up with a life size cardboard cutout.
‘ elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) January 11, 2016
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain't good.
‘ JP Lovecraft (@online_shawn) August 2, 2014
What do the stars have in store for your seeds? What can you learn about your leaves via the lunar cycle? Discover all that and more in this month’s plant-only horoscope forecasts.